Local Handjob Goes Horribly Wrong

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By Phil Forrence

Lisa Simmons was born with the natural ten fingers. 

“I heard the screams from here.” Lisa’s neighbor Ted Grossman recalls, “I just hoped everyone was okay.” 
After Monday’s events, she is left with only seven. “I had just settled down to watch a movie with my Tim when he suddenly became very horny.” She chokes through incessant tears, “We’d already finished having sex so I offered to give him a handy so we could enjoy San Andreas without the awkward sexual reluctance. He accepted.” Then it began.
Reporters say that during one particularly violent backward arm swing, Lisa smacked her elbow into her book shelf causing a bag of gummy worms to fall on top of the two lovers. 
Unfortunately, the bag had been opened, eaten from, and not properly stored months earlier so the gummy worms had been eaten by live earth worms who had set up camp in the bag.
Lisa and Tim began screaming as the blind, slimy creatures frantically wiggled for the safety of another gummy container. Tim wildly attempted to kick one away and his foot caught Lisa smack in the sternum. She flew back onto the floor, her left hand finding Tim’s open hunting knife which sliced off three digits.
Lisa Simmons was born with the natural two ears.
In the fray, Tim gleaned that someone had dirtied his grandfather’s hunting knife. He dove frantically for the prized possession as screams filled the space. As he leapt, the carpet slipped from under his feet. His head popped up then down square onto Lisa’s university-supplied desk chair knocking him immediately unconscious as ever furious future-fish-bait struggled to relocate after the natural disaster.
Lisa saw she and her Tim in need of medical attention, and shot her hand out for her cell phone. Unfortunately, Tim has two grandfathers. Both were fond of hunting and knife-giving. 
Lisa’s good hand punched the closed other-blade hard against her desk causing it to ricochet off the wall, open, and return not unlike an ear cleaving boomerang. The whirling knife-arang cleanly severed her right ear before falling innocently to Tim’s unmoving feet.
Lisa was born with a strong heart. She persevered through her injuries and was able to finally reach for her phone and dial 911. Paramedics arrived on the scene twenty minutes later, and, after three minutes of giggling, took victims to the local hospital.
The incident is being described by those close to it as sensitive. “I mean, we’ve all had our fair share of bad handjobs,” relates police chief Cynthia Flemming, “They take forever and I mean what are you supposed to do at the end?” She continues, “Seriously, I’m asking, what are you supposed to do at the end of a handjob? No one will tell me.”
Thirteen of the victims died due to lack earthy soil in which to shelter. Two remain at UPMC in critical but stable condition.
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