By Hannah Lynn
After months of trekking through the bleak, barren wasteland of Tinder, Chet Carson finally came to the cold, hard realization that holding a freshly slain deer in his Tinder picture doesn’t attract the ladies.
“I don’t know what the problem is,” he lamented. “I mean I shot this deer with my own bare hands! Why aren’t women into my desperate, if not over-the-top need to prove my masculinity and dominance?” He declined to comment on whether or not he had guns for hands.
Holding a freshly slain deer in Tinder pictures is a fairly common practice, especially in regions like Western Pennsylvania. Subjects will often crouch next to the corpse, not having yet reached rigor mortis, and hold up its head by the antlers. A similarly common fad is guys holding up a freshly caught fish.
“Honestly, if you’re holding a freshly slain deer in your Tinder pic, you probably have a fridge full of monster energy drinks and a shrine to Kenny Chesney,” said Chloe Davis, a Tinder user. “Now those aren’t each individual deal breakers, but like they definitely do make me wanna take my emergency cyanide pill.”
There are currently several researchers studying the issue in the relatively new field of Phone App Psychology. “When I was a young lad, I would go out hunting with a friend, have him take a polaroid of me next to the freshly slain deer, and then mail that polaroid to the girl I fancied. That’s how I met my ex-wife! She was the cop that arrested me for violating my restraining order,” said psychologist Jim Hudson. “Wait what was the question?”
No deer could be reached for comment as we are still looking for a deer-human translator.