Dear Danezie

By Dana Good
Dear Danezie,
I’m in General Chemistry and I’m having trouble understanding precipitation reactions. What are your favorite study tips?
Sincerely, Lost.

Dear Lost,
I’m in General Chemistry too and I have a little story that I think will help you out. Yesterday, I found myself wandering through the aisles of Rite Aid, partly because I gave up on bullshitting my way through this week’s Chem homework and wanted a snack, but mostly because I’m a lazy asshole that has nothing better to do in her free time and won’t amount to anything, ever. Walking by the greeting cards, I remembered that my

boyfriend’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and I should probably get him a cute card, or some shit like that. I picked up the first one I saw under “Romantic Birthday for Him,” read it, and laughed out loud. It was not meant to be funny. This happened multiple times until I stopped and thought to myself, “I know I’m an insensitive bitch, but why are these all so fucking stupid?” If I had to paraphrase all of the romantic birthday cards, it would go a little something like this, “My darling love honey bunchkins angel cuppy cake sugar pie, I love you so frickin’ much that every time I think of your face, I jizz sparkles and rainbows into my pants. Happy Birthday, I love you.” All of the cards were so vaguely erotic I couldn’t help but think they were written by a lonely 50 year-old woman, sitting in an apartment full of cats, who masturbates to teen vampire fanfic.

Lost, my advice to you would be to make a homemade card for your boyfriend. Take a piece of paper, fold it, and write something along the lines of, “Sorry for that one time when I kind of accidentally bit you mid-bajowski. Happy Birthday.” It means so much more when it comes from the heart.




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