by John Scarry
Dear Person Wearing a Human-Sized Electrical Outlet Costume Last Year,
Look… I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to demand that you charge my phone with your genital area.
I shouldn’t have lost my temper.
I shouldn’t have thrown your phone on the ground and curb-stomped it, yelling “If my phone is going to be dead then, goddamnit, so is yours!”
I never expected 3/4 of a can of Miller Lite would put me in such a belligerent state.
I apologize for dragging you over to the wall and sticking your finger in the outlet to “show you what electricity REALLY is” and for adding that you were a “know-nothing snot-nosed little twat” who was “an atrociously designed appliance” because your “steady stream of tears would obviously short circuit the electrical current in no time.” I also apologize for recommending that your creator(s) be “banished to the lowest bowels of hell.”
I’m sorry for demanding Tribute and taking all your candy. That crossed a line.
I’m sorry for defacing your house the next day. I now realize that must have put you in an uncomfortable situation with your landlord.
I’m sorry for writing a letter of Defamation on your behalf to all of the internships you applied for last summer.
Most of all, I’m sorry for not acknowledging you in market the other day. That was simply uncalled-for. I hope you accept my apologies and we can be friends.
P.S. To the Person I Meet This Year in Halloween,
I apologize in advance.