By Bill Beadle
Though a virtual unknown to the general populous, Jan is a figure many college students are familiar with. She starred in the critically panned series of videos presented as part of the AlcoholEdu program where she played a largely autobiographic role: the drunk mess. In attempts to revamp her image, Jan has agreed to this exclusive interview as long as it is published in its entirety, without any edits. Due to her very busy schedule the interview was conducted via Tinder message (her preferred method of communication):
BB: Hello Jan
J: Hi cutie, hows about u bring absinthe n I’ll limber up
BB: Whoa, whoa, whoa Jan. This is the interview for the Pittiful News.
J: O. Sry I 4got. Lets do this!
BB: Let’s start out with your past roles. What do you feel has been your defining role as of now?
J: Well that 1 with the alkohal was basically me but I would have to say my roll in the 7th grade Nativity pageant
BB: And what was that?
J: Woman holding sheep
BB: Lovely…So, how has your appearance on the AlcoholEdu videos changed your career trajectory?
J: I’ve gotten alot of ofers in porn lately, but in classie side roles. No beaver stuff just boobs
BB: Have you considered commercial acting?
J: Never! Only serius rolls for this girl
BB: Ok then…Have your drinking habits been changed since AlcoholEdu?
J: Wait………Wh r u?
BB: Jan, this is the reporter from the Pittiful News. We’ve had this conversation.
J: No. No. No.
J: I am queen of Lusitania no intervu wirh pesnt
BB: Are you okay Jan? You seem a little unhinged.
J: Perfect. don u try cal cops. They took al my meth last time nhvfjejbwjfnmdbshjfgjvfnwmbdsw,jdnfm,dnbhjkwvfhjv rhjekwnkvfmelmmdmmd,d
BB: Jan, I’m calling an ambulance. You’re unintelligible.
BB: Jan you need help, what is your address?
J: no home just nvfhjdkbsvbjc,nmvc c
[1 hour later]
BB: Jan, are you alive?
J: Yasssss. Ready for a Jagerbomb and some lowkey coke
BB: What?…How?…Never mind. Goodbye Jan.
Following that interview Jan declined all attempts at a follow up citing the anti-vape conspiracy. She will appear in next year’s “Downton Shaggy,” a “Downton Abbey” “Scooby Doo” porn parody. If you want more of Jan, her generally inactive Twitter is @jan_from_edu.