I Was Born in the Wrong Generation

By Tom Harnett

When I look at on my peer group I see nothing but people who don’t understand me.  I mean, what are we even doing in our generation?  We think everything we make is great but don’t realize they actually aren’t.  How great do you think your iPod is? Because I have a collection of over 47 vinyl’s that I bet your iPod couldn’t even play.  Think the new Taylor Swift album is good?  Well it doesn’t matter, because your opinion is irrelevant unless you’ve listened to Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel at least 10 times on LSD.  What I’m trying to say is I don’t belong in this generation.
I should have been born in the 60’s.  That was the point in time where I would actually fit in.  The evidence is pretty much overwhelming:

I wear bandannas at music festivals, I have two tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirts, I watch movies on my 8 mm slide projector, I’ve been to a different thrift store each of the last four days, I’m going to ask my dad to buy me a Volkswagen Bus, I refer to The Beatles by first name… I could go on for days.     

When I tweet about this stuff, every day or so, nobody even cares.  Guys, these aren’t just choices I’m making, these are things that I have to do because I am fucking unique.  The connection I have with the 60’s is something I need to express, usually through Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.  No one in my generation understands me!  There are so many problems in our generation what with the media and everything.  I just wish I could be born in a time where everything was perfect.  I mean, I literally can’t think of one bad thing about the 60’s.

Man in Witness Protection Doesn’t Like Me Following Him

By Phil Forrence

“Can I help you?” asks Greg, a twenty-seven-year-old dark haired male of medium build. “How did you know I was twenty-seven?” Greg asks quickly. Greg’s eyes dart around as if alarmed, confused. “Of course I’m confused, who are you talking to and why are you holding an audio recorder?” During our interview, I asked Greg about his last name and his previous whereabouts before Greg became the sole witness to that unsolved triple-homicide-quintuple-suicide-koala-bear-heist. “This is NOT an interview, BUS DRIVER, STOP THE BUS, I am getting off. Leave me alone. I didn’t see no koala-heist, got it? Leave the hell alone.” 
It seems Greg enjoys playing hard-to-get, but that’s probably why Greg joined the Witness Protection Program in the first place. Greg knows what he is good at. Greg’s the kind of guy who won’t give you answers unless you conceal yourself in his sink-cabinet and accost him as he begins to search for extra floss. “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? HOW DID YOU FIT IN THERE?? WHY DID YOU BRING A KOALA-BEAR?!?” 

Even experienced journalists make mistakes. Mine was a koala. Greg has moved now. Gone. The day after our incident some of Greg’s rougher-looking-Italian friends came to help him move. Greg looked so unhappy to be leaving. We may never know his last name or his previous whereabouts. We may never know why he has a 1-gallon hemorrhoid cream bottle in his sink-cabinet. Greg was a protected. For a short time there, we were all witnesses.

Independent Rapists Still Manage to Find Opportunities Outside of Greek Life

Despite recent trends, it’s important to remember that the college rape experience need not be limited to Greek life. Many college rapists report meaningful non-consensual sex without ever having to rush a fraternity. College sophomore and rapist, Adam Joseph, likes having the freedom to rape on his own without ever having to go to meetings or pay dues. “I didn’t want to buy into this whole system,” said Joseph.

Joseph hopes people will remember that there are a whole bunch of rapists who opt not to pledge. “We’re just as menacing and perverted. We do things on our own, without big organizations to back us up. But unfortunately, especially recently, we haven’t been getting the same recognition as rapists who have bought into the fraternity system.”

For rapist John Sandler, the experience of being an independent rapist in college was both challenging and fulfilling. “I didn’t just have someone scheduling mixer events where I could just go and rape women. I had to actually go out and find my own victims,” he said. Sandler maintains that abstaining from the Greek rape scene has left him time to pursue other non-consensual sex related activities, like catcalling, exposing himself in public and harassing women via the internet. “The experience of being a rapist in college is about you as a person,” he said. “It’s easy to lose sight of that when you become just a number.”

Guy Rapping in Quiet Study Room Actually Really Good

At 2:51 p.m. this Monday, five students felt themselves in the presence of greatness in the quiet study room when they heard another student rapping to the music in his headphones. His cadences were uniquely powerful, his rhythm impeccable. The other students reportedly glowed with awe of his performance as they tried to ignore such rare beauty and go on studying in the annoying silence.

“Not one of us had the nerve to tell him that a quiet reading room is not the right place to rap in,” said Charles Door, one of the five lucky students, who at the time was cramming for a test. “Any place is the right place if you have the voice and superb flow that he does. I was praying he’d start rapping louder.”

Stephanie Erby had just started reading the book due in three days when she was mesmerized by the rapid-fire syllables pleasant as a forest brook. She expressed her gratitude to fortune for sending him to the quiet study room. “It pains me to think that he could’ve easily gone to some other place where it’s noise anyway—you know, just about anywhere else,–because then the surrounding noise would’ve drown out is lovely rapping and people would just go on studying like they came there to do,” Erby said.

Surveillance cameras show that at 3:10 p.m. the ceiling parted above the gifted rapper. Golden light illuminated him and from the opening fell offers from major recording companies, invitations to tour the world with sold-out concerts, stacks of cash, and squealing naked chicks. The five students kneeled around him to shake his hand and beg him for an autograph. One of them fainted from happiness.  

Police Brutality and Systemic Racism Renders KKK Obsolete

By Mia Feldman

Once a terrifying force of racism and violence, the KKK has been less conspicuous in recent years. Many would like to think the group’s decline has been the result of tolerance and education in an increasingly diverse America. Instead, the police force has gradually usurped the role of America’s once feared clansmen.

“I wish we could at least say we infiltrated the police force,” said Adam White, senior clansman. “But that just wouldn’t be true. We clansmen have to face the facts that if America’s police force is going to systematically oppress people of color, like they did in Ferguson, then it’s sill silly of us to be riding around wearing sheets on our heads trying to scare people?”

Klansman, Richard Hamilton, agreed with White. “When the justice system sentences young black men to serious time behind bars over minor offenses, there’s no way a burning cross is going to do anything to scare them.”

But White doesn’t regret the hate group’s decline. “When we started out there was the Klan and a well regulated militia. But why bother with two when just one gets the job done?” he said. “Come to think of it, it’s not really a decline. It’s more of a merger between two forces who both want what’s worst for Americans of color.”