By Hannah Lynn
Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg’s departure, he wasn’t formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.
“I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something,” said Junior Roman Morris. “It wasn’t till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn’t in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!”
That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.
But Morris isn’t the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.
This particular skin was found by maintenance worker Leo Crabapple. “I was just sweeping the grounds when I looked up and saw it hanging down. I have no idea how he got up there,” said Crabapple. “That is one spry motherfucker.”
Most of Gallagator’s sheddings occur in or around the Cathedral, as he dwells in the dungeon beneath it. However, there has never been a verified sighting of him in his full lizard form, as Lizard People are famously impossible to photograph. However, there are several reports that every morning, Gallagator slithers out of his home to get his mail, which is delivered by a young ferret carrying a scroll in its mouth.
Gallagator did not respond for comment on his skin shedding habits.