By Hannah Lynn
“We regret to inform the public, that the point in history when one had to shove a cotton-stick into his ear to keep it marginally cleaner, has ended,” begins the official statement from Q-tips, “however, Q-tips will live on in the hearts, minds, and, due to a few regrettable misadventures, the ears of our users.” The company went on to say it will donate its unsold inventory to retirement homes and aging heavy metal bands.
“I don’t care what people say, I will wear what I want, it shouldn’t say anything about me as a person”, He commented additionally. When asked what she thought about McIlhenny cavorting around in provocative skinny jeans and a deep v-neck shirt that leaves almost nothing to the imagination, local woman Lindsay Jordan had this to say; “That guy has a lot of nerve. If he’s gonna go out in public like that, of course I’m gonna stare, maybe cat-call a little. He has no right to go around like that and think nobody will ogle his fine self”. When we asked David whether perhaps he dresses like such a harlot to compensate for a lingering, bitter insecurity about his self-image, he responded that “No, I just think this is a cool shirt. Got it for a great deal too.”
When reached for comment, McIlhenny’s mother expressed her disappointment. “It’s such a shame, he was a sweet, innocent little boy. I’m worried that he is just asking for someone to take advantage of him.”
“People just don’t understand” McIlhenny further stated, very sluttily. “I shouldn’t have to cover every inch of my skin to avoid getting everybody all riled up.”
At press time, Mr. McIlhenny added that “at least nobody judges me for having these sick shades so I can check out the ladies without them knowing.”
1. Bellefield – Dusty ballerinas
13. WPU – Fried chicken and petty Student Government scandals