Diets To Die For!

By Dr. Louis Lobron
Bathing suit season might be months off, but it’s never too early to get started on trimming off that shame-cushioning! These time tested and trendy new diets will be a sure shot.

Mediterranean
– Pizza, pasta, and the like. Just generally a lot of carbs.

Nordic
-Salt water fish like Cod, seaweed, potatoes, rowing to the new world

New Nordic
-Similar to the traditional Nordic diet, but replacing fish with critically acclaimed jam band Phish, and seaweed with just regular weed

Paleo

-Skeletons?

Raw
-Berries, nuts, seeds, denying your children TV, general resentment from mainstream neighbors

The Lemonade Diet
-Fuckin’ lemonade

The Dr. Oz Ultimate Diet
-Lean chicken, salmon, fresh fruits and vegetables, a slowly but surely growing sense of guilt from undeserved attention

The Super-Antioxidant Purge
-32 oz. of cranberry juice a day (up to 16 oz. replaceable by vodka)

Nothing
-Eat nothing.

New SGB Cites Previous Make-Believe Experience as Credentials

By Mike Citrola

The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.


During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”

All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”

The Pittiful News reminded Meyer that he had not led the Hebrews from Egypt and that was, in fact, the Jewish prophet Moses. Meyers was unfazed by this news. “Of course, I’m not actually Moses. But I went to a neighbor’s Passover Seder once in middle school, and got so into the story of the Haggadah that I pretended to be Moses for, like, 2 weeks. That fantasy was very demanding but it taught me a lot. And when it comes to running a student government, it helps to already have experience pretending to lead a large group.”
His colleagues shared similar sentiments. “I’ve heard worried talks about the new University Senate Council, and I just don’t get it,” said representative Everett Green. “I’m no stranger to working in this type of government agency. Hell, ever since The Phantom Menace came out, I’ve imaginarily worked alongside Yoda AND Mace Windu in the Galactic Senate. I used to have a multi-color lightsaber, but I switched it out for a blue one when I changed my favorite color to blue last year.”

Upon request of any real, non-make-believe qualifications, the SGB threatened to fight The Pittiful News, threw down a smoke bomb and scattered.  

‘All About That Bass’ Teaches Body Issues To New Set of Young Girls

By Phil Forrence

In wake of the recent stream of mega-hits celebrating the body types of larger women, (Meghan Trainor’s  ‘All About That Bass’, Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’, and J-Lo’s ‘Booty’) a previously untapped portion of tweenage females are learning the ropes of hating what their momma gave them. “I’ve always seen it happening.” Says 13-year old Madison Lively, “Fat girls go to the bathroom crying that they don’t get invited to the dance, but just last week,” she reports, “I hear that a man’s anaconda won’t want none unless I have buns. I run to the bathroom and through tears glare at my sickly frame because suddenly I, I’m the fat girl.”

“It’s not fair.” Says 14-year-old Alyssa Chambers from Columbus, Ohio. “Until yesterday, I’d known that only skinny girls got attention from boys,” she continues, “but then suddenly between counting my calories for lunch, I hear that infectious refrain about guys loving the bass and I begin to hastily stuff my face with french fries.”

“Personally, I love it.” reports Satan.
One group of women says that the songs are empowering. Another group says that they miss the good old days of skinny celebration. However, there is a slightly smaller group of women saying the songs just change a forced template of beauty from one stencil to another. If you really want to empower women, then denounce the determination of feminine worth as a set of measurables or present a more fact-based understanding of the nuanced sexual attraction. These songs could barely be described as a wrinkle in the undisguised corporate rouse of playing on the natural insecurities of the female sex.

The first two groups respond, “Yeah… but they’re so catchy!”

Man shocked to discover his blood is not blue before it hits the air

By Hannah Lynn

Coikes Montero had his whole world turned upside down last week when his doctor informed him that, despite his long held belief that blood is blue until it is exposed to the air, the blood in his body is red 100% of the time.
“I can’t believe this! I’m just flabbergasted,” Montero said. “My whole life, since I was a wee babe, I’ve been told by my peers that the blood in our veins is blue! And I believed it, I mean look!” he said, pointing to his blue veins.
Montero fell victim to the widespread myth that many children are told and believe until they are old to see its flawed logic. Montero appears to have skipped this stage. “It’s just the light that makes veins appear blue,” said Lou Lee, Montero’s doctor. “I bet this guy still thinks his elbow is double jointed. Everyone is dumb. I should’ve set the world on fire ages ago!” Lee said before breaking into maniacal laughter.
Montero was still trying to process the new information. “I mean what’s next? Are you gonna tell me that my elbow isn’t double jointed?!” he yelled at the small circles of doctors and nurses that had formed around him to witness the incredible scene. No one answered him. They all looked down at their clipboards. “Oh No. No No No. NO. NOOOOO!” Montero yelled before running out the door and tripping over the hospital gown he had insisted on wearing.


Apple Ear-Bud Sales Spike, Q-tips Declares Bankruptcy

By Phil Forrence
The geniuses at Apple have done it again. “We figured, the ears are the most important body part to our sales, right???” says Dr. Gentry, head of the Sound-To-Brain department at Apple. “Well if ears are so meaningful to us, why wouldn’t we try to keep them cleaned out as well as entertained?”
The new Apple ear buds feature an inner-ear-shaped probe that puts the speaker closer to your eardrum and thus has the added ability to scoop out that excess ear wax any time you feel like jamming out!
“I love them.” Raves nineteen-year old Nathan Young, “People always used to want to steal my headphones, but now that I have personalized my new apple ear-buds with my own coating of cerumen, I can safely keep them visible in any social situation.”

“We regret to inform the public, that the point in history when one had to shove a cotton-stick into his ear to keep it marginally cleaner, has ended,” begins the official statement from Q-tips, “however, Q-tips will live on in the hearts, minds, and, due to a few regrettable misadventures, the ears of our users.” The company went on to say it will donate its unsold inventory to retirement homes and aging heavy metal bands.

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry
In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

As bleak as things may seem around Oakland, there is yet hope.  Hard-hitting computational analysis proves that the Pitt football team is actually making strides, and quite a few of them.  According to my notepad filled with tally marks, the Panthers made about 67,000 strides during the Armed Forces Bowl.
Alan Bundy, Head Defensive Coordinator for the University of Austin Badgers, was among those in attendance at the game.  “The defense in that last quarter was atrocious.  Miscommunication seemed to be everywhere, and blown coverages and missed assignments cost [the Panthers] the game,” said Bundy.  “But boy,” he added, “I’ll tell you what, those strides were textbook.”
Researchers at the UCLA Beedner School of Sports Science agree.  “We have created a computational model, called our Pittsburgh Optimized Running Network (P.O.R.N.) Database, to analyze just how good those Pitt Panthers are at striding.  We were blown away by the results.  After countless hours reviewing and closely examining our P.O.R.N. Database, we have come to the conclusion that Pitt might just be the best striding team in the country.  Sure, they are not terrific at tackling and they could use a hand in grabbing the loose balls during onside kicks, but they finish second to none in striding.”

While South O might not erupt with excitement or optimism at the thought of the fourth new head coach in four years, they can at the very least take heart that their boys on the field are making strides.

Hoarding Relieves Yet Terrifies Roommates

By Holly Stavarski


Living on a budget is hard for many college students, especially those who relied on their parents for money before going away to school. But with each year at school comes recognition of new and inventive ways to save money. Alli Bernardi, a junior at the University of Pittsburgh, struggled to maintain the lifestyle that she was used to at home in her freshman year.

“I completely blew my budget by October. I was out of money, had no job, and was forced to call my parents to supplement my bank account. Eventually, when they realized how much online shopping I was doing, they weren’t as sympathetic and they stopped giving me money,” Bernardi said.

Without the help of her parents’ seemingly endless flow of cash, Bernardi knew that she was going to have to be more careful and creative in the way that she saved money.

“Over the winter break I watched a lot of Extreme Couponing and Extreme Cheapskates on TLC and took notes. With their tips, I completely changed how I budgeted and how I saved. My life hasn’t been the same,” she said.
Since that fateful semester, Bernardi has been clipping coupons, shopping bargain brands, and taking loose University supplies. She now lives in a small apartment with two other girls and a stockpile of beauty and cleaning supplies that lines the hallways, stairs, and fills the living room.
“The majority of my stockpile comes from coupons. I spend 27 hours planning my shopping list, calculating, and cutting coupons weekly. I refuse to spend money on paper towels, toilet paper, and trash bags. Those can easily be found in any Cathedral bathroom and are 100 percent up for grabs.”
As Bernardi was showing The Pittiful News around her house, we noticed her two roommates, crushed by a shelf full of diapers (which Bernardi admits to buying just because they were on sale). Vivianne Polanco and Farah Washington had been trapped under the shelf for three hours before we arrived.
“I love the security of having 30 giant rolls of toilet paper, but I am terrified every time I walk down the hall. Each trip to the kitchen could be my last,” said Washington as we helped her out from under the rubble.
Polanco was visibly shaken as we sat her down on a couch with a blanket and some hot tea and refused to comment as she crossed herself and silently prayed.

Though her roommates struggle with the conditions, Bernardi says its well worth it. “I would rather my two roommates die than loose my stockpile. It is my life now.”