Diets To Die For!

By Dr. Louis Lobron
Bathing suit season might be months off, but it’s never too early to get started on trimming off that shame-cushioning! These time tested and trendy new diets will be a sure shot.

Mediterranean
– Pizza, pasta, and the like. Just generally a lot of carbs.

Nordic
-Salt water fish like Cod, seaweed, potatoes, rowing to the new world

New Nordic
-Similar to the traditional Nordic diet, but replacing fish with critically acclaimed jam band Phish, and seaweed with just regular weed

Paleo

-Skeletons?

Raw
-Berries, nuts, seeds, denying your children TV, general resentment from mainstream neighbors

The Lemonade Diet
-Fuckin’ lemonade

The Dr. Oz Ultimate Diet
-Lean chicken, salmon, fresh fruits and vegetables, a slowly but surely growing sense of guilt from undeserved attention

The Super-Antioxidant Purge
-32 oz. of cranberry juice a day (up to 16 oz. replaceable by vodka)

Nothing
-Eat nothing.
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