Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl
The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.
Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.
“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.
“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”
The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:
“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”

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WEATHER REPORT

Hannah Lynn
Pittiful Meteorologist

Saturday
Cloudy with a chance of crow meatballs

Sunday

Day of repentance. No weather.

Monday
Looks like a beautiful sunny day, feels like the freezing embrace of a thousand icicles

Tuesday
Scattered snow showers in the morning, scattered ashes in the evening

Wednesday
It’s lump day! Get that lump examined.

Thursday
No chance of rain, but take umbrella anyway. Trust us. TRUST US.

Friday
Vortex of polar bears

Saturday

Well, well, well look who’s back for more

Women wear pants to award shows, continue to break barriers

By Hannah Lynn

At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.

There is no way to know for sure, but this could very well be the first time a woman has chosen to wear pants in public. Typically, at an awards show, women will wear a long gown of sorts, accompanied by a hamster-sized handbag. But pants opens up a whole new option for a handbag-less look!


“I have no idea who started this trend, but boy did it sweep me off my feet,” said SnapChat awards show correspondent Aidan Kyle.


A dress, first worn by women in the year 700 BC, is a garment that covers the body, but has an opening where the legs are, which is ideal for women during mating season. Pants, which were first invented in 1351, have typically been worn by men, who need full leg coverage while hunting and gathering.


With the Oscars coming up soon, the suspense will only build. What female celebrities will dare to wear pants to the most fashionable night of the year? Will Reese Witherspoon wear pants? Will Quvenzhané Wallis wear pants? Will Emma Stone wear pants AGAIN?

Emma Stone declined to comment on the subject matter, as did Lorde, but her publicist sounded like she was wearing pants over the phone.

Professional Gaming to be Aired on ESPN by 2016

By Christian Heagy

It is no doubt that League of Legends is one of the most popular “Electronic Sports” of this modern era. “Electronic Sports,” better known as “Esports,” is a growing trend across the globe. The 2014 League of Legends World Championship climbed up to over 11 million concurrent viewers from around the world at it’s peak.


With its exponential growth in popularity, it is no wonder that the demand to have professional Esports appear on television is on the rise and what better place to air it than famed sports channel, ESPN.


“It’s no doubt that having pro League of Legends on television is a step in the right direction.” announced Andy “Reginald” Dihn, coach and owner of Team Solo Mid, one of the longest running teams in the professional League of Legends scene. “The players are already in contracts and are treated like other sports players and it’s about time they got on television.”


“Having professional League of Legends aired on our channel will broaden our target audience outside of the typical sports watchers. We hope to have the Finals, if not all, of the League of Legends 2016 World Championship aired on our channel.” explains John Skipper, president of ESPN, inc.


“I always found the traditional games aired on ESPN to be rather boring and quite barbaric. The introduction of Esports will be a breath of fresh air. It will be nice to see a knowledge based game that actually requires skill on ESPN” said video game enthusiast, Gary “xXsEmIpRoXx” Yang.

By adding League of Legends to the list of games they already air, ESPN seems to be making the right economic choice. The contract is set to be signed December 9, 2015.

Gary has a Deceptively Keen Sense of Smell

By Tom Harnett

Shadyside man Gary Newman continues to surprise people with his impeccable sense of smell.  The most impressive thing, though, is how unexpected it is.

“If you looked at Gary you would be like ‘Oh that guy probably has a horrible sense of smell’ but I’ll tell you what, you’d be wrong.”  Said an admiring coworker.  Instead of a nose Gary has a flat patch of skin, spanning from the upper lip to the forehead.  Friends describe it as, “Almost like Voldemort but flatter.”  This curious birth defect was never diagnosed.

Legend on the streets of Pittsburgh is that Gary’s smell range expanded to an immeasurable number, they estimate, “around 2 Louisiana Purchases wide and 3 Louisiana Purchases tall.”   
A source on Gary’s inner circle describe his sense of smell as, “Like his superpower and his kryptonite at the same time.”  The word around camp is that Gary’s smelling ability is too much responsibility for any mortal man.  Gary seems to have been forced to smell things no one should have to.  
The Gary enthusiasts seem to be growing in number every day.  Gary’s boss described it as, “A weird cult following.”  
What makes this man tick?  Is it his argyle sweater vest?  Is it the thick black glasses that were supported by an array of suction cups?  Is it his Big Bang Theory belt holding up tan slacks?  The answer must rest underneath that slab of flat pale skin in between his eyes, utterly devoid of a nose, it smelled.

The real question is: Is he on our side?  

Kraft Visionaries Push the Limits Of What We Call “Food”

By Mia Feldman


“If you think about it, what is food really? pondered senior Kraft Foods chef and chemical engineer, John Galliard. “Traditionally the answer has been meats, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy products. But we at Kraft are working hard to push past these limitations and to open people’s minds to new ideas of what’s edible and what isn’t.”


Galliard, a self-described “food visionary,” developed his passion at an early age. “Growing up my mother always told me ‘Johnny don’t eat anything you find behind the couch. You’ll get sick.’ So I just had it in my mind anything from behind the couch was outside this so called sphere-of-edibility. Until one day, when I worked up the courage taste this raisin I found between two cushions. I was nervous to eat it but then I was fine. That really got the gears in my head spinning. If people can eat raisins from behind the couch what else can we eat? Yogurt from a tube? Fruit-punch flavored oreos? Cool-Whip frosting? Anything can be edible if you dare to dream.”


Galliard and his team don’t like labels. “Studies have found that if you show people an apple and a beaker of high fructose corn syrup or aspertame and say ‘point to the food’ they’ll typically point to the apple. But why has our society labeled one a food and not the other? Our goal at Kraft is to get people out of their culinary comfort zones. When making food choices we want people to step outside of the realm of what we’ve been eating for centuries.”

Despite some amount of controversy from health freaks and quinoa enthusiasts, Galliard is extremely proud of the work he does. He pointed out that before the 20th century young children whose parents were too lazy to feed them typically died. “Thanks to our work at Kraft these children are able to subsist on a diet of lunchables, happymeals and cheesesticks,” he said proudly. “Thanks to our culinary ingenuity sometimes they’re even able to make it to the age of 45.”

Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron
   
Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 
Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith. 

When reached for comment, Pitt English department chair Don Bialotosky inquired “Isn’t the Miller’s Tale the one about farts?”.