Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester. When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know? It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”
Well, well, well look who’s back for more
By Hannah Lynn
At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.
Shadyside man Gary Newman continues to surprise people with his impeccable sense of smell. The most impressive thing, though, is how unexpected it is.
Galliard and his team don’t like labels. “Studies have found that if you show people an apple and a beaker of high fructose corn syrup or aspertame and say ‘point to the food’ they’ll typically point to the apple. But why has our society labeled one a food and not the other? Our goal at Kraft is to get people out of their culinary comfort zones. When making food choices we want people to step outside of the realm of what we’ve been eating for centuries.”
Despite some amount of controversy from health freaks and quinoa enthusiasts, Galliard is extremely proud of the work he does. He pointed out that before the 20th century young children whose parents were too lazy to feed them typically died. “Thanks to our work at Kraft these children are able to subsist on a diet of lunchables, happymeals and cheesesticks,” he said proudly. “Thanks to our culinary ingenuity sometimes they’re even able to make it to the age of 45.”
Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith.
All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”
By Phil Forrence
“It’s not fair.” Says 14-year-old Alyssa Chambers from Columbus, Ohio. “Until yesterday, I’d known that only skinny girls got attention from boys,” she continues, “but then suddenly between counting my calories for lunch, I hear that infectious refrain about guys loving the bass and I begin to hastily stuff my face with french fries.”
The first two groups respond, “Yeah… but they’re so catchy!”