Movie Theaters Remain Closed This Christmas; Jews to Sit Quietly and Think About What They Did

Christmas has always been a day of Chinese food, movies and feelings of mild-jealousy for Jews living in predominantly Christian areas.  But this year movie theatres and Chinese restaurants will remain closed on Christmas Day, due to numerous requests from Fox News correspondents and other self described “Christmas purists.”

“We Americans are starting to lose sight of Christmas Day, as a sort of time-out for the Jewish people,” said Fox News correspondent, Gretchen Carlson. In the past, many have accused Carlson of trying to push her faith/creepy love of Christmas onto others. She insists that this isn’t true. “The War on Christmas is so last year. What worries me is now that they’ve cleverly developed their own set of traditions, the boredom of being a Jew on Christmas won’t be enough to compel them to stare at a wall while thinking about what they did 2,000 years ago.”

This has caused confusion for many among the Jewish community, especially those of mixed-faith families. “What are families like ours supposed to do with the children?” wondered Mary Beth Feldman-Smith, mother of three.  “Have them open presents in the morning and engage in quiet collective-guilt related activities in the afternoon?”


Pioneer Plaques Come Back with Message from ETs

Note the misanthropy glowing in the upper left corner.

On Tuesday NASA announced the first received reply to an attempt to contact extraterrestrials: “nice try LMAO :D” The message was scribbled in black marker on the Pioneer plaques, a pair of aluminum plaques with a pictorial message for extraterrestrials that were sent beyond the Solar System aboard the Pioneer 1 and 2 spacecraft in 1972 and ’73. An alien-made capsule containing the plaques parachuted into NASA headquarters last week.

“Um, yeah…this is huge and stuff, but not quite what we were expecting,” said Nathan Kilduff, head of the NASA group analyzing the plaques. “Chemical analysis revealed traces of mockery and condescending laughter on the surface of the plaques that were like, ‘you stupid cavemen, thinking we don’t know what you or your solar system looks like or that we haven’t been watching your ludicrous little lives for centuries now, you pathetic worms,’” Kilduff said. He added that mass spectrometry of the particles of extraterrestrial matter found on the plaques spelled out that maybe we should first learn to live entirely in the fifth dimension or at least break the speed of light before they deign to have anything to do with the amoebas that we are.

Extraterrestrials declined to comment, citing our unworthiness.

“Why Can’t Kim Jong-un Stick to Ruining Things For People in His Own Country?” asks James Franco

Seth Rogan and James Franco were none too thrilled to learn that their movie “The Interview” would be canceled due to terror threats from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. “Can’t Kim Jong-un just be happy with the 24.9 million North Korean lives the global community allows him to ruin? Why is he trying to ruin our American movie too?”moaned James Franco, while dramatically crumpling up a poster for “The Interview” and tossing it into a pile of now unsellable merchandise.
“How can he get away with this?” Rogan asked. The answer to his question is actually very simple. North Korea benefits from what political scientists are calling the hey-look-at-us-we’re-not-as-messed-up-as-they-are-in-the-Middle-East phenomenon, by which a nation state can get away with pretty much anything, so long as whatever is happening in countries that have decent sized oil reserves is at least slightly more appalling.

 “To be honest, North Korea is like number 10 on the list of things I worry about,” said director of the CIA John O. Brennan. “That puts it behind number seven sinkholes, number eight whether microwaves cause cancer and number nine whatever happens if ISIS actually makes a caliphate.”
North Korean refugee, Ae Chul couldn’t understand the widespread disappointment the news had caused. “Your country’s list of acceptable movies is far longer than our country’s list of acceptable haircuts. Surely when it comes time for annual-family-movie-leisure-hour you Americans will not suffer for want of movies,” she said.
Chul was gracious enough to offer her sympathy to Franco and Rogan. “Kim Jong-un has prevented the release of many things I care deeply about,” she said. “Specifically my mother, father, and brother from hard labor camps. But perhaps there is a way your beloved movie can be made available on the internet or sent to DVD.”

Franco and Rogan gasped in horror at the words “sent to DVD.”

Pitt Foreign Language Departments to Require Course in Nodding, Smiling

Pitt’s foreign language departments announced Thursday that a course in nodding and smiling will now be required for foreign language majors and minors, citing the time-tried technique as essential for communication with foreigners.

“Be it your poor knowledge of the language the other person is speaking or their poor understanding of English that causes you to have no idea what they are saying, nodding and smiling is always the best conversation lubricant,” said Susan Homperson, a Pitt professor of Chinese. “As long as everybody does it, the foreigners will never learn from their mistakes and keep confidently spouting incomprehensible strings of sounds. As a bonus, you’ll never learn from yours.“ Homperson added that, depending on the other person’s tone, smiling may be replaced by making a thoughtful face and saying “yeah.”

At press time, committee of professors was discussing whether introductory-level foreign language courses should be replaced by a course on speaking English very slowly and loudly, with emphatic gestures.

Book Review: “The Novel,” the First All-SparkNotes Novel

Critics love it. English teachers are raving about it. Publishers are calling it the next big thing in literature. Readers of all stripes and intellects are engrossed by Zed Pernell’s “The Novel,” a novel written as a SparkNotes-type study guide.

Set in a symbolic setting, “The Novel” shows how the thoroughly analyzed major characters interact with minor ones to further the plot. Gripping plot summary is interspersed with lucidly explained important quotations, sometimes sans the quotations, and is followed by the spelled-out major themes and motifs.

Pernell said inspirations for the book came from the perennial agony, both in school and out, of trying to figure out what a particular novel is all about. “It makes no sense to read hundreds of pages of blah-blah-blah just to find out the plot, themes, symbols—you know, the only parts that matter,” Pernell said. “That’s all fiction boils down to, really, that’s what people read it for. So I decided to cut out the middle man and get straight to the point. That saves time for both me and the reader.”

It seems to have worked. Many reviewers said that aside from the shining wisdom and superb characterization in “The Novel,” it was its ultra-minimalist style that won them over.

“I can’t stand reading a novel that’s so complicated that I actually have to figure things out on my own and piece the important stuff together from the scraps buried here and there and god knows where. Like, c’mon, give me a break, I’m tired after a full-time job and I still want to feel smart!” wrote one reviewer.

Wrote another, “‘The Novel’ finally relieved my anxiety about not picking up all the intellectual things in a novel. I worry about that. I feel dumb when other people find many more symbols and messages in a novel than I do. Or when they interpret it in a more profound way and dig five layers deeper. Even if I liked the novel, I begin hating it. It makes me feel like a failure, ashamed of myself. But with this literary masterpiece, I can finally feel as smart and correct as any highbrow lit critic out there.”

Pernell said he is currently working with Columbia Pictures on a movie trailer adaptation of “The Novel.”

ISIS Wishes They Had Thought of Forced Rectal Feeding First

“We can’t just start forced rectal feeding our prisoners now. That wouldn’t be original,lamented Abu Mohammad al-Adnani of the illegitimate terrorist state/wannabe-dystopia ISIS. The news of the US Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s controversial tactics conjured feelings of both admiration and jealousy among ISIS and its supporters. 

Forced rectal feeding works on so many levels. There’s the use of force, then the act of putting something in someone else’s body when they don’t want it there, and then ‘rectal’ just adds that little spark of genius,” said Shakir Wahiyib.

“Look, I hate those American pigs as much as any of us,” said aspiring caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi“As much as it pains me to say this, we may have more in common than we think. Perhaps it’s time to set our differences aside.” Baghdadi said he was willing to offer a position to Jose A. Rodriguez Jr., former head of the C.I.A.’s Counterterrorism Center. “He may be a filthy infidel. But at the end of the day talent is talent.”

Baghdadi hopes his men will stay positive, just because the Americans have one good idea doesn’t mean ISIS should start beating themselves up.  “The Americans have been at this for much longer than we have, so of course they’re going to be a little ahead of us,” he said. “We should use this as inspiration. How can we take this brilliant idea and put our own twist on it?”

“Forced rectal feeding while standing on a broken leg?” suggested one ISIS fighter.

“Forces rectal feeding plus sleep depravation?” said another.

“How about butt-waterboarding?” said a third.

But Baghdadi pointed out that these were just amalgams of already used American tactics. “Come on guys! Be original! I know you have it in you,” he said.

ISIS field commander, Abu Omar al-Shishani couldn’t disagree more. He didn’t think there was anything especially great about forced rectal feeding. “Some of my colleagues seem to think it’s some kind of genius avant-garde phenomenon. Really, all the Americans did was make force-feeding into some kind of butt joke,” he said rolling his eyes. “It’s like a torture tactic I would have come up with in 7th grade.” 

Local Cynic Convinced He’s Full of Crap

Oakland cynic Kwayk Tredson, renowned for his inability to see anything but filth and deceit behind other people’s actions and beliefs, told reporters Wednesday he is convinced that he himself is full of crap.

“I thought about it the other day and realized what a pathetic maggot of a human being I am,” Tredson said. “I’m trying to justify my own depravity by thinking that everybody else is as immoral and selfish as me. Everything I say about others is just a desperate attempt to hide my insecurities. I think I’m so good at penetrating deep in the the psyche of others to expose their true motives but in reality I’m just a sack of shit, a blathering fake.”

At press time, Tredson was overcome by doubt as to whether he should trust the opinion of someone as shallow and cynical as himself.