Nationwide Poll Disproves Modern Physics

A nationwide Gallup Poll published this week found that modern physics is wrong. The poll consisted of just one question: “Is modern physics wrong?” Of the 5 million respondents, 97 percent said yes.

“I mean, come on now,” said Michael Glongling, a guy. “I can’t recall ever seeing something behave as both a particle and a wave. And if E equals mc-squared, then why can’t I just turn some of the junk in my car into energy and heat it up a bit? Both common sense and everyday experience clearly tell us that modern physics is wrong, and I’m still baffled at how this elaborate pseudoscientific scam has stuck around for so long.”

The firm evidence that it had been deluding itself for about a century has plunged the American Physical Society into existential crisis. The APS temporarily shut down all of its research until further polls determine which projects are worthwhile and not completely bonkers.

“It’s just…um…ugh, wow…gee…” muttered APS President Malcolm Beasley, visibly distraught in the fetal position under his desk. “Conscientious, hardworking citizens are outnumbering us 97 to 3 here, so they gotta be right…but…how, how did we allow the scientific method to fail us so badly? What else are wrong about…is the earth flat…we need more polls…more…polls…”

A lobby group Citizens Against Nonsense announced on its website that it will see to it that modern physics is abolished as “batshit crazy and simply incorrect.” It pointed out that since taxpayers are financing the obscure multimillion-dollar research, they ought to have a say in what’s right and what’s wrong. “And although we all have our biases, the poll’s objective result goes beyond them,” the announcement said.

At press time, the CIA was conducting an opinion poll to help it locate terrorist hideouts in the Middle East.

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