Philae, the teenage spacecraft who landed on Comet 67P two days ago after more than ten years in space, reported feeling “pretty flippin exasperated” at his mother Rosetta still orbiting around the comet after his landing.
“Like, OHMYGAWD this woman just won’t leave me alone, like I’m still a tiny kid or something,” Philae beamed across 316 million miles to the European Space Operations Centre. Officials there said that Philae had been hoping for some nice alone time to brood on the mysteries of the world and his brilliant exceptionality. One day after landing, when he psst’d the Centre and furtively asked why the old lady was still there, the news that Rosetta would be orbiting the comet for another 13 months crushed his binary dreams of freedom and solitude.
“I mean, this STUPID COMET is only a couple miles across, SO MUCH FOR PRIVACY,” wrote Philae, asking the Centre to beam him some digital antidepressants and melancholy music. “I was hoping to BURST INTO LIFE AT ITS FULLEST, to explore myself and go WILD, but with her STIFLING gaze on me what am I supposed to do, huh, snap pictures and analyze billion-year old SHIT??!?”
Officials at the Centre said they were also bombarded with long messages from Rosetta, asking how her sweet little baby was doing out there and whether he was eating enough sunlight, and demanding that they express-ship him woolen socks and gloves.