|Nathan Wool, Official Lead Researcher Guy|
A study published in the August issue of Science and Stuff by a team of angsty teenagers found that “adults don’t know shit about life or how to live it right.” The study, funded by the money mooched from the team members’ parents, was based on a series of interviews and opinion polls conducted with numerous angsty teenagers.
“The evidence presented in our study is unequivocal,” said lead researcher Nathan Wool, freshman at a Florida boarding high school. “Adults live with their heads up their lazy asses and don’t know the first thing about how to live a meaningful life. No drive, no light in their eyes, they are existential burnouts, man, all of them. This study proves our initial hunched—or else we wouldn’t have done it.”
One of the surprising findings of the study was that adults don’t see The Way and don’t ponder The Nature of Reality not because they are too preoccupied with their humdrum jobs and families, but because they are inherently too goddamn small-minded to ask such deep questions.
“They know nothing about The Real Way The Real World really is,” said the study’s co-author Peter Manoosh, unemployed 17-year-old who had fathomed The Truth a year ago and had been bedridden with enlightenment ever since, causing his parents to find part-time jobs to cover the additional expenses. “I transcended all eleven dimensions and untangled the unifying fabric of the Cosmos, reaching out to the farthest corners of Reality to understand this world, and all adults ever do is work and read and go places and talk to people—like, who needs that? They are lost in a dead-end, as our brilliant paper has shown.”
The study has so far received no reaction from adult scientists, which Wool said is because “they’re too old to freakin’ get it, man.”