Port Authority Allows Music Without Headphones if It’s “Totally Swag”

Bonus swag points

PITTSBURGH  Port Authority of Allegheny County will allow music to be played loudly without headphones on all of its buses, trolleys, and inclines, provided that the song playing is “totally swag,” said spokesman Aaron Shpuck. The new law, geared for those who can’t live without auditory sources of swag and don’t have headphones, will go into effect on July 14.

Shpuck said that “a committee of cool dudes you better not mess with” has been appointed to draft a list of “totally swag” songs to be allowed to be played through one’s cell phone or stereo while slouching belligerently in the seat like no fucks are or should be given.

He also reminded those who blare a song not on the list that “Nobody wants to hear your shit. It’s illegal, it’s rude, it’s embarrassing. People are tired and just want some quiet time. Get some earphones, goddamit, or just wait till you get home.”

The list will be published on Port Authority’s website and constantly updated by the committee as songs acquire and lose swag.

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Photo of Man Enjoying Hot Dog Draws Ire

John Kendalls, he who hates beautiful animals

The photo of a 19-year-old Texas Tech student and football player John Kendalls eating a hot dog with visible pleasure has drawn indignation and ire of hundreds of animal lovers since he posted it on his Facebook page. The disapproving comments range from frowny faces to death threats but all convey the feeling of repulsion and disgust elicited by Kendalls’ posing happily next to parts of dead pigs and cows. His critics call him “sick” and “depraved” for partaking in the murder of beautiful animals and boasting about it online.

“Pigs are more intelligent and neat than many dogs and cats. No matter how you look at it, seeing people smiling over dead pigs is just sad,” reads one comment. 
“You are absolute scum. I hope cows trample you to death one day for all the beautiful souls whose murder you have funded,” reads another.
A significant number of the indignant ones turned out to be hunters. 
“Yo shithead I’m a hunter and I sacrifice my comfort shooting game while you just swipe your credit card to help those majestic animals die without risking anything or even seeing them you’re a wimp and trash dude go into a full cow stable with bare hands and see how long you’ll last,” one of them wrote.
As Kendalls’ haters grew in number exponentially, he became the subject of two petitions. 
The first one, hosted on change.org, seeks to have his Facebook page deleted permanently, calling his cruelty disgusting and saying that proudly displaying it should not be allowed.
The second petition, on AVAAZ.org, seeks to prohibit Kendalls from ever visiting a store or vendor that sells anything made from an animal carcass. Its organizes said that the petition is “for the sake of all animals, especially the beautiful creatures whom people kill and eat just for fun and pleasure.” 
Kendalls remains calm and confident in the face of said petitions and mass indignation, claiming that the animals in the hot dog in question were killed legally and their deaths improved the lives of other animals like them. 
His haters, however, are unswayed, saying that “legal or not, they’re beautiful and majestic animals and you shouldn’t just kill them for pleasure with your money, let alone smile next to their remains, this isn’t a goddamn safari,” and “your days are numbered, fool.” 
At press time, Kendalls was shrugging.

Chancellor Gallagher on Pitt’s Having Highest Tuition: "Suck it up."

PITTSBURGH — In a press conference on Monday, one week after the release of a study by the U.S. Department of Education that showed that Pitt is the most expensive four-year public college in the country, Pitt’s chancellor Patrick Gallagher admitted that there is absolutely no way to prevent this or lower the costs.

“I mean, somebody has to be number one, right?” Gallagher said. “Now it’s us. Big deal, eh? But there is nothing we can do about it, except maybe celebrate. I mean, look around the world – it’s not like Europe has colleges that are cheap and perhaps even better than Pitt. And let’s be realistic here, when you have that loan you’ll be paying off for decades after graduation, it’s not like a few more years of debt will make that much of a difference. So just suck it up, okay? This is the cost of high-quality education and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

After giving it some thought while drinking water, Gallagher added, “Actually, come to think of it, I think I know what the problem is: Nordenberg. It’s all his fault. And it will remain his fault forever, no matter what I do, got it? Okay, I’m glad we got that straight.”