NORFOLK, Virginia — In a landmark press release just today, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals officially renewed its commitment to protecting all forms of wildlife… minus the mosquito. The statement read, “Although our organization has been protecting wild and domestic life for the greater part of thirty years, our work is far from finished. PETA will always side on behalf of our disenfranchised animal companions. Except the mosquito. Screw that thing.”
These words read as startling to some who were unable to comprehend the organization’s distinct turn away from a particular species’s rights. However, the piece did go on to address its mosquito-hostility, claiming “Each animal has a specific purpose. The honeybee pollinates flora, the deer spreads seed, even the stingray cleans the seafloor of overcrowding mollusks. But what in the bloody crap does the mosquito do? Seriously, does anybody know what the hell this thing is supposed to do?”
While these queries may have been enough to pacify most initial objectors, the statement’s author did manage to clarify anecdotally her hard line position. It continued, “Now, I love animals. Let’s keep that in mind. I run a dog shelter, cat shelter, goat shelter, and hermit crab hospice. But seriously, one time, this huge mosquito bit my friend’s arm. We swatted it away and then we both watched it fly into an open light bulb socket where it exploded. You want to know what it looked like? Sparky bug guts. You want to know what it smelled like? Victory. Mosquitoes deserve whatever the animal kingdom throws at them. I mean this.”
PETA has encouraged all existing members to join them in the first inaugural Screw Mosquitoes Fun Run/Walk 5K taking place this Fourth of July weekend. Each participant will be given an honorary medal along with a real dead mosquito they can string around their neck as a warning to any damn bug that wants to try nipping at our flesh again.