Parties unknown have vandalized the ground floor restrooms of the Cathedral of Learning. The message “tear down these stalls, tear down these walls—sex segregated restrooms perpetuate heteronormative oppression!” has been written in bold black strokes of permanent marker on the inside of a stall door in the grounds floor men’s room. Meanwhile, the mirrors of the women’s restroom have been covered with the slogan “University, Unity, Urinals!” scrawled repeatedly in various shades of lipstick.
The Pitt police quickly cordoned off the area in a frenzy of activity frighteningly reminiscent of the bomb threats that plagued the university in the spring of 2012, which began with a similar outbreak of restroom vandalizations. So far, investigators have released that the markedly inferior handwriting used by the lipstick vandal indicates that they were assigned male at birth and might be a medical student—noting that the latter obviously implies the former.
Many believe that this incident was timed to test the authority of Pitt’s newly appointed Chancellor Gallagher. Trying to project confidence at a recent press conference, the Chancellor promised that “This administration has a negative one tolerance policy towards acts of academic terrorism, which we take even more seriously that underage drinking. We stand ever vigilant against the threat posed by radical conceptual deconstruction of systemic socially imposed gender identities, and will respond swiftly and brutally to any threats made against the cisgender students of this school. We will not negotiate with trannie-ists. In fact, whenever possible we will turn our heads and cough awkwardly whenever they are mentioned and avoid acknowledging their existence or the unique psychological pressures that they are subjected to on a daily basis. Because we know that no matter how under-represented they are, no matter how superficial our counseling services are, no matter what kind historical persecution or personal trauma they have experienced, we will always remember that they hate us our freudians—cough cough—I mean our freedom. They hate us for our freedom.”
Gallagher went on to reassure the public that the transgender couple who were arrested and then exonerated during the 2012 bomb threats were not responsible for this latest attack. “We have them under constant surveillance and restrict their movements to ensure that they do not participate in any kinds of suspicious activity—like buttseks or tribbing or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days.” Next, the chancellor requested that the press not investigate the current whereabouts of Adam Busby, the man who actually was indicted for the 2012 bomb threats. “Doing so would unnecessarily infringe on the privacy of an clearly unstable individual who has been connected at various times to militant Scottish separatism, the Provisional Irish Republican Army, anthrax hoaxes, bomb threats, actual bombings, and threats against the British prime minister. Seriously, just from skimming his Wikipedia page you can see that this guy is a nutbag and ought to be left alone.”
Gallagher ended the meeting by denying allegations that his appointment to the supreme chancellorship was bankrolled by the academic-industrial complex. He particularly emphasized that the sudden contracting of Statler & Waldorf Inc. to manufacture replacement stall walls and doors for every restroom on campus was “completely coincidental.”