|Benjamin Zorich, recently hospitalized with a bout of laziness,
has been suffering from the disorder his entire life.
Laziness has achieved the status of a legitimate mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health committee that reviewed copious research studies announced this conclusion at a recent conference of the American Psychiatric Association.
“Laziness has always been perceived as a character flaw worthy of shame and punishment,” said Aaron Lipsnik, a historian of medicine and a member of the committee, adding that such attitude was a product of ignorance and equating it to the once-held belief that failure to pray causes typhoid fever. “With the aid of modern medicine we can finally help those afflicted by the illness to lead productive lives and achieve everything they want to.”
“We now know that laziness is a flaw in chemistry, not character,” said Dr. Jalal Mahavesh, the principal investigator. “Numerous studies of people with laziness have shown abnormal levels of melanocortin,” a neurotransmitter that allows signals in the brain to travel from neuron to neuron. “We can now safely say that laziness is as legitimate an illness as diabetes or cancer, and also very dangerous, as it can shatter dreams and ruin lives.”
As the disorder goes grossly underdiagnosed, with the recognition of its legitimacy comes the promise of help. The pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly, besides having incidentally funded all major studies on laziness, has already developed an anti-laziness drug called Promaxus.
“Just as people with diabetes need insulin, those suffering from laziness need Promaxus,” said the company’s spokesperson Peter Bromsky. He added that there is no shame or stigma in using the drug, “since you can’t cure diabetes with self-discipline, and laziness is no different. It is the direct result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that Promaxus fixes.” Two-day trials have shown that the drug has no side effects and is not addictive, and neglecting to treat laziness with Promaxus will lead to “severe and debilitating consequences,” he added.
The legitimization of laziness as a mental illness has already sparked a wave of changes in numerous government policies regarding disability benefits, education, and other related areas. Thus, the Social Security Administration released a statement saying that it will work on providing disability benefits to patients with laziness, since “those afflicted with the brain disorder are often unable to hold a job or seek employment.”
According to the official statement released on its website, the Department of Education is in the process of making laziness officially on par with other brain disorders like autism and cerebral palsy. “Students diagnosed with laziness ought to be entitled to special accommodations such as reduced academic workload, longer breaks, and additional time on exams and assignments,” the statement said.