Local Boy Being Raised by Wolves Has Excellent Parent-Teacher Conference

Local fifth-grader and otherwise stand-up boy, Matthew Blake, breathed a sigh of relief today as his wolf-parents, Balto and Groin-Gnasher, found the teacher to be very polite to and complimentary about him. In an exclusive interview, Matt explained “Mom and Dad said my teacher, Mr. Rowanowsky, seemed tasty- er tastefully engaged with me and my studies. Mr. Rowanowsky didn’t even bring up the time I peed on all the other kids’ backpacks and then rubbed my armpit glands on the biggest kid in class to mark my new territory. Mom and Dad were worried that the humans wouldn’t like that but despite all the detentions he gave me, it seems like Mr. R is on my side!”


In an effort to contribute all perspectives, Matt’s teacher met with “The Pittiful News” to discuss his reactions to Matt. Mr. Rowanowsky gushed, “Matt is such a bright, well-protected student from a clearly wonderful parentage. The way his parents licked their lips and growled when I spilt vinaigrette dressing from my salad onto my arm told me that Matt must come from a very expressive and affectionate home. After being playfully mounted and gnawed on by Greta Nash – oh, what’s that? Groin-Gnasher? Wait.” Mr. Rowanowsky grew visibly pale before our staff’s eyes, dry-heaved, and then continued. “She was great,” Mr. Rowanowsky quivered. “What a – um… smile. Every tooth was certainly there and in the right place. Good God her name was Groin-Gnasher?!”

Mr. Rowanowsky abandoned the interview mumbling something about rabies vaccinations despite Matt’s assurance after the conference that, quote, “She bites because you’re friends now.”

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