Edward Fortyhands Kills Three Pitt Students

Edward Fortyhands has been described by many Pitt students as “cool”, “fun,” and “pretty competitive, but in a good way.” He has helped bring people together, make parties more enjoyable, and even get people drunk, with happiness. This is why it comes as such a shock that this past weekend, Edward Fortyhands killed three students living in McCormick Hall.


“I can’t believe it,” said Jonathon Parsons, sole survivor of Fortyhands’s reign of terror. “Edward Fortyhands always seemed so harmless. I didn’t know Edward Fortyhands could do anything bad besides making people burp.” But Edward Fortyhands isn’t harmless. He committed arson in a Pitt dorm on Saturday and trapped four students inside. Parsons gave us the inside story.

Edward Fortyhands appeared at the small get-together, seemingly just to encourage the friendly bond between the party guests. Sadly, this was not the only binding he’d be doing that night. By the terms of Edward Fortyhands, the guests attached large beer bottles to their hands with duct tape. Ignorant to his actual motives, the guests willingly rendered themselves incapable of any basic hand movements.

They remained in that condition for about 40 minutes until disaster struck. Edward Fortyhands encouraged one of the guests to misuse a toaster and accidentally ignite the contents of the garbage can. The startled partygoer then poured the alcohol attached to his hands into the garbage fire, which only fed and dispersed the flames.


In an attempt to call 911, one victim smashed her phone with her bottle fists and cut her palms with the ensuing broken glass. She wasn’t able to make the call. Another victim attempted to open the door and flee but, without any functions of basic dexterity, was incapable of turning the knob. Jonathan Parsons explained that he was only able to escape by finishing his beers and, thus, successfully completing the savage trial Fortyhands had forced upon him.


No word yet as to Fortyhands’s whereabouts, but an investigation is pending. “The Pittiful News” would like to warn all Pitt students that Edward Fortyhands is much more dangerous than expected. We encourage everyone reading this not to allow him into their parties, places of residence, or lives.
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