It has been another difficult week for the NSA as agents around the department do damage control following a barrage of new internal leaks from former contractor, Edward Snowden. However, in an act of defiance to escape the negative vibes, Special Agent Ruby Smiths took it upon herself to search for some fun Fourth-Amendment-fraud with a dash of yuletide cheer. What she found would surely haunt her for the remaining holiday season.
Special Agent Smiths explained her story, “We here at the NSA know what the holidays are all about. Family gatherings,
dark-room interrogations of aunts and uncles with cruel psychological manipulation, food, and – of course – presents! Well, when you’re stuck in the department office, sometimes it’s hard to get in the spirit, so we have a Secret Santa. Every year, I get great presents – an exercise arm band for my iPhone, membership to a ‘Brew of the Month’ club, some confiscated artisan bread from my friend at the TSA. I just wanted to see what I’d get this year. I couldn’t wait! So I boot up the computer, present my national security clearance to bypass Amazon’s user data restrictions, run some keystroke hacks to find out this new agent, Eric Mitchel, has me for Secret Santa. Well, a skim through his Amazon cart plus recent IMDB searches reveals that, apparently, Mitchel thinks it’s okay to just jump up and buy a stranger a DVD-collection of his favorite sitcom. What a jerk.”
Special Agent Smiths elaborated, “I was just expecting a little bit more than this. Was it really worth it to bastardize the Constitution and breach a major corporation’s security just to learn I’m getting 8 DVDs of a sitcom featuring a young Alfonso Ribeiro? I’ve got a lot to think about, here.” Despite momentary hesitation, Smiths eventually came to terms with violating the ideals of representative democracy upon learning Jason Bateman had a small part in seasons one and two.