Mustachioed Putin trying out new looks

In what may be the fashion development of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been recently spotted sporting mustaches worthy of the world’s cruelest and most powerful leaders.
Hair first started to appear on Putin’s upper lip following the passage of a bill banning “gay propaganda,” which prohibits the distribution of information about homosexuality. Russian fashion expert Katinka Ingabogovinanana believes that this was to avoid a major faux-pas.


“There are two rules of fashion that everyone knows,” said Ingabogovinanana. “Never wear socks with sandals, and you cannot perform the systematic abuse of a minority population without a stunning mustache.”

So far, photographs show Putin sticking to the classics. Last month he was seen with the “mein stache”, popularized by aspiring-model-turned-dictator Adolf Hitler. However, more recently Putin has taken on a more genuinely Russian flair. Paparazzi caught a photo of Putin with the “pushbroom of the Gulags” first worn by Joseph Stalin.

While opinions in the fashion world are mixed, there’s one thing everyone will agree on: Putin must choose a look before the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. “Whatever mustache he’s wearing then will forever live in infamy,” said Ingabogovinanana.

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Obama Breaks from Prepared Notes to Assure Brent James that the NSA is not Spying on Him

In a recent speech to the ACLU, President Obama took a moment to break from the teleprompter to specifically assure Allstate associate and, quote, “perfectly upstanding citizen, Brent James, of beautiful 3997 West Cedar Hills Drive, Cedar Hills, Utah – right down the street from ol’ 40° 24’36″N 111° 45’27”W”, that the government is not spying on him.

Obama remarked, “It’s okay, Brent. No spooky government agency is watching your online activity or constantly monitoring your rotary phone line. I’m pretty sure most members of the NSA don’t even know how to insert a chip into that geezer you call a phone. Honestly, who still uses a rotary phone? Ha, when was that thing made anyway? March 18th, 1977 by Assembly Worker #28 at Bell Lab Corp.’s San Jose Branch? What a hoot.”
President Obama said he wanted to extend an apology to Brent James who, quote, “Owns a cute dog licensed at Cedar Hills city office under the adorable ID# three-six-niner-niner so you know he’s a good caregiver – and is consistently three minutes late to work so he can rock out to the bridge on ‘Carry on My Wayward Son’ on his SONY model 4.1K CD player broadcasting at 4.111 Hz access code Delta, Delta, Bravo, Charlie for all stored in-car frequencies so you know he’s a solid partier”, for giving him that nasty Big Brother impression.
In an effort to ease Brent James’s concern, President Obama said “I’d be glad to – no wait, don’t turn off your webcam. I want to look you in the eyes so you know I’m honest. Back to what I was saying. I’d be glad to take you, Brent James, son of Rick and Tonnie James, out for your favorite late night snack of Oreos and peanut butter that you always sneak downstairs to get when your wife falls asleep at 2314 Zulu. We’ll make this all better.”