For anarchists across America, the recent government shutdown over health care legislation is a dream come true. “For once, I don’t have The Man breathing down my neck. I never asked to be protected from asteroids! ” said a local graffiti artist who declined to be named.
Yet despite their best efforts, Pittsburgh anarchists have been unable to organize any sort of event celebrating the crippling of authority from within.
Attempts began shortly after the news broke at midnight of October 1. “When the CNN countdown clock reached zero, well I mean I assume it did, the media is evil and wants to manipulate us all! Why am I talking to you!” said a local Subway employee who ran off before giving his name. However, it was quickly remembered that every anarchist had recently destroyed their phone to escape the clutches of the NSA, making the organization of a spontaneous party impossible.
Some headway was made the next day by Pitt freshman Alex Berkman, who managed to set up a time and place for a shutdown party. But it wasn’t to be. “As soon as I tried to tell people when and where to be, they told me I had no authority over their actions as individual entities,” said Berkman. “I suppose it was immoral of me to even try.”
More success was found by the Pittsburgh branch of the Libertarian Party, who managed to put together a shutdown potluck. “Once everyone was there, it was clear that no one was going to share the dish they brought,” said chapter leader Ayn Paul. “I suppose that’s just rational self-interest.”
With no end in sight for the shutdown in Washington, there is still hope for an anarchist celebration. “Last I heard, the anarcho-communists were working on something,” said Berkman. “But no one wants to be responsible for it.”