In a recent speech to the ACLU, President Obama took a moment to break from the teleprompter to specifically assure Allstate associate and, quote, “perfectly upstanding citizen, Brent James, of beautiful 3997 West Cedar Hills Drive, Cedar Hills, Utah – right down the street from ol’ 40° 24’36″N 111° 45’27”W”, that the government is not spying on him.
Obama remarked, “It’s okay, Brent. No spooky government agency is watching your online activity or constantly monitoring your rotary phone line. I’m pretty sure most members of the NSA don’t even know how to insert a chip into that geezer you call a phone. Honestly, who still uses a rotary phone? Ha, when was that thing made anyway? March 18th, 1977 by Assembly Worker #28 at Bell Lab Corp.’s San Jose Branch? What a hoot.”
President Obama said he wanted to extend an apology to Brent James who, quote, “Owns a cute dog licensed at Cedar Hills city office under the adorable ID# three-six-niner-niner so you know he’s a good caregiver – and is consistently three minutes late to work so he can rock out to the bridge on ‘Carry on My Wayward Son’ on his SONY model 4.1K CD player broadcasting at 4.111 Hz access code Delta, Delta, Bravo, Charlie for all stored in-car frequencies so you know he’s a solid partier”, for giving him that nasty Big Brother impression.
In an effort to ease Brent James’s concern, President Obama said “I’d be glad to – no wait, don’t turn off your webcam. I want to look you in the eyes so you know I’m honest. Back to what I was saying. I’d be glad to take you, Brent James, son of Rick and Tonnie James, out for your favorite late night snack of Oreos and peanut butter that you always sneak downstairs to get when your wife falls asleep at 2314 Zulu. We’ll make this all better.”