The Election As Covered by Our Analyst Who Just Took a Hit of LSD

As we wrap up another grueling campaign in the American presidential system, it is important to note the shakeup of the partisan landscape. Democrats are pushing for greater enthusiasm atop a strong showing in the national polls. Republicans are looking to re-strategize and re-emphasize in accordance to rise of new factions and my teeth are getting itchy. Very, very itchy. It’s like I just ate pet dander.
The Electoral College provided hope for some, frustration for others. A collection of spirited supporters and diligent dissenters rallied around respective candidates looking and. Ugh. The lights are bright in here. They make my feet feel squishy. Squishy feet. Why are my feet so squishy? I think we’re starting to kick in, here.
Mitt Romney. Barack Obama. It’s down to these two guys…
What?
Oh.
The first one has a name that sounds like gloves but they aren’t. Well, the rest isn’t. And the second one has the same name twice but spelled differently. It sounds the same. It’s like the “ah” part shows up twice and your tongue feels like a boat or something. You know? Where it gets really big and it’s like the salt? You know? The salt? No. You don’t. You don’t even know.
But the election was all about jobs. The kinds where it’s like you go walk and there’s that guy that’s all buttons. Not made of buttons but his thing has them. Shit. What is that thing? The clothe. The clothe? Shit. That’s not right. Oh, yeah. The clothes. But anyway. His buttons. And your buttons. No. No. No. All buttons.
The Electoral College went all up. Good grades and shit. Mom? No, she doesn’t care. I just want to know where the damn pizza rolls are. There’s so many pepperonis. Like, you don’t even know.
He was all, “I win!” or something. There was the guy with the smell but he didn’t get to see it because the cars weren’t around or something. He did well, I guess. But overall, the rest says that Obama is still him.
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Sorry, I thought my computer was dragon and I threw it across the room. It’s still the same only the keyboard is upside down. I’m upside down too so I think that should help. Where we were? Oh, yeah. The government. It’s all about the economy and “tried to run, tried to hide, break on through to the other side”, man. The Doors. Ah, I love this song! I love The Doors. Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, front, glass, wooden. So many doors. Not enough windows. You know? The it’s might door. Doors too.
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Michelle Obama takes down Twinkies in Covert Attack

    Four years in and one of the most polarizing elements of President Barack Obama’s first term is still his infamous “kill list” through which he decides which enemies of the state live and die. The global scope and international implications of this war on terror, while intense, have overshadowed a similar growing war at home – First Lady Michelle Obama’s war on obesity. Though she only recently adopted her husband’s “kill list” strategy, she has already bagged her first target.
    Hostess Brands is the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread among other sweet treats. Though their recent closure was attributed by the media to the inability of executives to compromise between the company and union workers, the real story of Hostess’s closure came about by the covert, carefully coordinated raids and fluffy cream extractions by Mrs. Obama and her “Let’s Move” team.  
     “Like any war, this was both a physical and ideological battle,” said a former Let’s Move staff member who wishes to remain anonymous. “That’s why Hostess was the perfect first target.” In Mrs. Obama’s mind, Hostess and its flagship Twinkies stood as both a real contributor to childhood obesity as well as a symbol of empty, indulgent calories that turn men into monsters and monsters into flabby, out-of-breath monsters. Coupled with the low number of estimated civilian casualties, the choice was “an easy one,” according to internal White House memos from Mrs. Obama.
     Operation “Party’s Over” began in June, when Predator drones began dropping payloads of carrots and celery outside of Hostess plants nationwide. “The idea was to win the hearts and minds of the people. However, the enemy culture was built around refined sugar and proved less than receptive to our efforts,” said our anonymous source.  
     The administration then attempted to work through economic sanctions, forbidding all public employees from purchasing or consuming Hostess products. Unfortunately, the largest consumer of Twinkies and Ding Dongs were overweight cops on the night shift. Police spokesperson, Morty Schmidt, chose to ignore the sanctions stating, “Who are ya, my mother? Shoot, where’d I leave my gun?”  
     Left with no other options, Mrs. Obama dispatched an elite team of Navy SEALS to invade Hostess headquarters in Irving, Texas. After securing the compound, they instituted a puppet Board of Directors, puppet CEO, and wildly unpopular puppet mascot for Twinkie the Kid, Government-Subsidized Yellow Sponge Cake the Young Adult. This puppet franchise would refuse the growing demands of union workers and drive the company quickly into the ground. The tactics worked culminating in last week’s closure.  
     While the actions of Mrs. Obama and Let’s Move have gone mostly unnoticed by the American public, they have put other calorie peddlers on high alert. While stalwarts like Pepsi and McDonalds have little to fear due to strategic alliances with Joe Biden’s late-night drive-thru demands, less powerful brands are panicked: The Keebler Elves are rumored to have started stockpiling choco-filling spew-goo cannons while Little Debbie was last seen fleeing for the mountains of Afghanistan.

Nicolas Cage to Play Nicolas Cage in Nicolas Cage Biopic: An Interview

     A film production we all saw coming, Nicolas Cage has signed a $30 million development deal with Universal Studios to produce what Cage says is “the best movie since the Bible”. Our reporters then informed Mr. Cage that the Bible was not a movie but was, in fact, a book. Mr. Cage’s responded by asking if casting was still underway for the role of God.

     Aside from early mishaps in our interview, our time talking to Mr. Cage was absolutely enlightening. We asked Cage to speak a little bit about the film. “It’s been a great challenge,” Cage said. “The role itself was easy because I am Nic Cage. However, in many ways, the role was very challenging because I am not Nic Cage.” Before we could ask Cage to elaborate he soiled himself and tried to blame it on, quote, “the dogs.” There were no dogs. Aware of this, Mr. Cage then proceeded to eat multiple cans of dog food. We told him that eating dog food did not prove that there was a dog in the room. Mr. Cage responded, “Well, then why are there all these empty dog food cans in here?”

     Once he was cleaned, Cage’s temperament improved slightly. We asked Cage what prompted him to make the film. “A lot of things, really,” Cage quipped. “The depth of the film is really three-fold. First, the film had to occur with Nic Cage in it. I find him fascinating. So that’s one fold. The second fold is I wanted Nic Cage to be portrayed by Nic Cage. The third fold is that I actually spent forty months trapped inside a cage to really get into the role. I had no food and no water and I had to survive by eating all the movie scripts I’ve accepted. Though there is scientifically only one calorie worth of nutrition in an average one-hundred-twenty page script, I was able to live comfortably on a two thousand calorie a day diet. For water, I did what all good Nicolas Cages do and subsist on the bear urine I keep in a bag in my pocket.” Mr. Cage then offered us a taste of his bear urine saying, “C’mon we’re all friends here.”
     The awkwardness subsided and we asked Cage what he finds most rewarding about the film. Cage said, “It’s not necessarily the thrill of making a film that gets me. It’s really about the respect you gain from your friends and animals. Rabbits and such. I once spent sixty days having a conversation with a marmoset only to find that I was speaking to my own pubic hair. But regardless, there’s also the incentive of award. Now, I don’t know if many folks know this. But every year, there’s an award ceremony called ‘The Cage’s Choice Award’. It goes to whoever portrays Nic Cage the best that year as judged by myself, Nic Cage. You’d think I’d win it every year. I mean, c’mon. I am Nic Cage. But I’ve actually lost it every year to the squirrels in my yard. They nail it every time.” Following that comment, Nic Cage asked our journalist if they wanted to see his blueberries. We declined and exited the Santa Monica Burger King Cage has been living in for thirty non-consecutive years.