Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

  1. Babies
  2. Discovery
  3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
  4. Teen spirit
  5. Forrest
  6. Lavender
  7. Good smelling cologne
  8. Coffee
  9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
  10. That tree stump
  11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
  12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
  13. Cats
  14. Rotting plants
  15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
  16. A brand new deck of cards
  17. Falling in love
  18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
  19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
  20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Heck (Hell but more Inconvenient)

By Tyler Sikov

Before I tell you about my experience in Heck, I should probably tell you how I died. I was running around in one of those revolving doors, forcing people to go through the much less fun normal door, I was then decapitated while trying to leave the door, the door was spinning so fast that my head was just gone. I appear inside a room and an attendant puts lotion of my hands and feet. I am then told that I must go to the reception area for processing. This was immediately a difficult task as to do that I needed to open a door, and I could not stop sliding around the room. The lotion smelled really nice so I decided to lick my fingers which gave me a great idea, I could open the door with my mouth. I put my mouth around the handle and the door immediately flies open sending me sledding across the floor. The man in the doorway tells me to follow him. I follow him down many twisting and turning halls with him talking at a volume I could hear but not quite make out everything he said. At many points I lost him only to find myself walking down the wrong hallway and falling down a random pit. I must then climb the long stair case where each step is a different height, this really killed my ankles, get it because I am dead, eh. You living folks will get it when you are dead.

Finally, I find him and am escorted into a reception room. This room is filled with many buttons. None of the buttons have labels so I begin pressing random buttons. The buttons I pressed did these to me: had a group of people run out and lightly brush my face with feathers, had someone play twinkle twinkle little star on my teeth, someone come to give me a hug but it lasted a few seconds too long and he was really sweaty, someone walked near me with a chinchilla and every time I tried to pet it they would pull it slightly farther away. Finally, I pressed a button that brought out a lady who introduced herself as the receptionist. I asked where I was and she said Heck, an eternity of small inconveniences. I thought of myself as a good person but I guess I inconvenienced a lot of people in my life. She tells me that I am all checked in and that I am free to leave the reception room and go find lunch.

I leave the room and after getting lost for a mildly inconvenient amount of time I find the elevators. I was expecting them to be empty but when one arrived it was almost full, there was one spot left. I get in and as the elevator is descending, I realize that everyone else in here has not showered in months. I turn and talk to one of the people to ask them why they are all in here and why they smell bad, yes I am a blunt person, all of the people in the elevator say in unison “We never leave, we never clean ourselves, we make all elevator rides inconvenient”. The elevator then got stuck for 30 minutes. The elevator does not have numbers on their buttons so you would press random floors just hoping it took you where you were looking to go. Once I get to the floor I was searching for, I go and get myself a burrito bowl from Chipotle but they are always out of a random ingredient, so just normal Chipotle. I order what I ordered while I was alive, but when I go to pay, the credit card machine is broken so I pay in cash, I have just enough to pay for it and tip 10% in my pocket.  I eat the food but I find a hair in it, I go up to the customer service desk to complain about this.

I get to the desk and the woman at the desk screams at me for wasting her time. She then starts to talk about how she knows corporate and demands to speak to my manager. I finally get a word in and complain about there being hair in my food and this woman smacks me in the face and then punches herself in the stomach and starts screaming that I hit her, so I decide that this is a lost cause, I ate a lot of cat hair in my life so eating a bit of mystery hair in my afterlife is not the biggest of deals. As I am walking away from the desk someone hits me on the back of the head with an empty wrapping paper tube. I ask why, and this guy replies, “Whenever your sibling thinks of you someone will come up behind you and hit you on the head with an empty wrapping paper tube, as I have just done”. Right once he finishes saying this, I get hit on the head again, I have 20 siblings, lucky for me it does not hurt that much it is just more a mild annoyance, just like having a sibling.

Right then I stumble into an alley that is full of people asking me to sign their petitions, I start signing some of them and on one of them I write the date wrong, I go to erase it but the eraser bits stick to the paper and you can tell that I wrote I wrong the first time because it does not erase fully. I then get a notification on my phone that my job has been changed and will be changed every day. I question this because in life I never had a real job, I would just go to a business for a week, reorganize their computer systems and cabinets, then leave without telling anyone where they can find their stuff in the new systems and cabinets. It tells me that today I get to mow a lawn, I am allergic to mown grass so I will be sneezing for a week after today. The map on my phone shows me that I am a 20-minute walk away from the lawn I am meant to mown, and I need to be there in 15 minutes. Right then the path I must take to get to my job is filled with people, not enough to stop me from getting there, just enough that it will be harder for me to get there on time.

When I get to my job, 35 minutes late, I go to shake my boss’s hand and he begins to do the worm. Once he notices that I am attempting to shake his hand he gets up and asks if the culture changed again, I ask what he means and he says that every few months the culturally accepted greetings and other culturally accepted practices are changed, and no one will tell you what they have been changed to, so sometimes you come off looking rude. He then tells me to mow the lawn. Once I am done mowing, I decide to go to a rooftop pool. I get into a swimsuit and jump in. quickly I realize that parts of the pool are salt water and parts are chlorine, I am very confused as to how this works but more bothered by the fact that different parts of the pool are wildly different temperatures.

Once I am done, I get directions to my apartment. It takes me an hour to get there. Once I get there I reach into my pocket and find a ring of keys, and the 15th key I try opens the door. Right as the door opens, some cats jump into my arms. Right when I think that this may be a nice place to be, the cats jump off of me leaving my entire body coated with hair. I walk in and find that I have a dryer full of clothes, I take the clothes out and as I am walking back to my bed to fold the clothes, I drop a sock onto the dirty floor. I pick it up and decide that I should wash it again so I put it into a different basket. I notice that this sock has a hole in it, I look through my other socks and I notice that all of them have holes in different places, many of them will cause some of my toes to be out of my sock. I knew that this could be a bit annoying because I have to walk up hill everywhere I go. Right then I get a message telling me that tomorrow my job is stapling individual pieces of very sticky paper.

I change into my pajamas, freshly clean and folded and go to brush my teeth, while I am brushing my teeth water is constantly dripping down my arms, because of this I wash my hands. I pull up my sleeves so they do not get wet but the second I turn on the water my sleeves fall back down and get soaked. There is a knock on the door, I open it and get hit on the head by an empty wrapping paper tube, again. I go back inside and decide I should watch some Netflix. I go to search for a show I like but every key I press types a different letter or symbol, it takes me a long time to find the show I want to watch. After a bit of buffering because the wifi is slow I watch an episode. The next episode starts after a bit of buffering but it is not the next episode in the show, it is a random episode of the show. I try to find a way to watch the episodes in order but all shows autoplay their episodes in a random order. I look at the clock and see that it is getting pretty late so I decide to go to bed. The bed is part box spring, part memory foam, part air mattress and part water bed. It is going to be hard to fall asleep but soon enough I will and then I will wake up and live in this world of small inconveniences. This is my own personal Heck.

 

I Accidentally Summoned Mortal Kombat Characters into Animal Crossing: Here’s What Happened

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Abby Stoudt

Authors’ Note: We wrote this as two people who have only ever played Animal Crossing and one person who has only ever played Mortal Kombat

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So, since the launch of Animal Crossing New Horizons in March, my life has become centered around Pietro the sheep. Every single night I close my eyes to sleep and I dream about him. My waking hours are filled with thoughts about his silly little clown face. I want nothing more than to have him live on my island and be my best friend and yet, he has yet to move in.

 

I spent hundreds of hours grinding to earn Nook Miles so that I could buy tickets to visit other islands and find Pietro and I just couldn’t find him. Friends offered to invite me onto their islands to ask their Pietro’s to move onto my islands and on the very day that I planned to ask him to move in, someone else took his place.

 

Needless to say, I was getting desperate. So, I decided to buy some amiibo cards off of eBay. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I needed the clown sheep on my island. I needed it more than I needed air to breathe. However, when the cards came in the mail, I noticed something weird: they were unmarked. I didn’t think anything much about it, only that I would have to scan them all to find the Pietro one; but when I scanned one into the game, I noticed something weird. They didn’t call a lovable sheep or cat or other similarly cute animal, they summoned Mortal Kombat characters who I couldn’t get to move out at all. Here are some of the weird things that happened once they moved in.

 

  1. My villagers can now perform x-ray fatalities
  2. Biff started greeting me with “Time to die, little man” instead of “MUSCLE MADNESS”
  3. Raymond has now begun to attempt Rolling Thunder (Raiden) on Peaches
  4. Scorpion has a peaceful home where he has many pet scorpions, then once he leaves his home he stabs people though their skulls with his chain knives
  5. Sahara the traveling carpet dealer is now only selling trait cards
  6. Isabelle’s business casual attire started to become a little more Kombat-casual
  7. The only way to get a five star rating is to fight every Jock villager in a grueling 76-on-1 match
  8. Tortimer has come back for final revenge on Johnny Cage
  9. The female characters all have tiddies
  10. Nightwolf has started killing my villagers to add their animal spirits to his army
  11. Tom Nook now routinely removes disobedient villagers spines and then impales them with their own spine
  12. Goro has now mated with many villagers to create a generation of villagers with four arms
  13. Timmy and Tommy swear now
  14. Kotal Kahn is now forcing all of the villagers to come to his talks about te Mongol Empire
  15. Absolute Zero froze the water around my island, collapsing the thriving fishing industry

 

Cats Smell Nice

By Tyler Sikov (and his cat Peanut butter)

Cats smell nice just out of a bath

Cats smell nice when they help you with math

Cats smell nice when they lick themselves clean

Cats smell nice when their eyes really gleam

Cats smell nice when they hit you on the head

Cats smell nice when they raise the dead

Cats smell nice when they perform a blood sacrifice

Cats smell nice when they hit around a cube of ice

Cats smell nice when they take a drink

Cats smell nice when they wear all pink

Cats smell nice when they greet you at the door

Cats smell nice when they play outside in a downpour

Cats smell nice when they eat your eyes

Cats smell nice when they plan a surprise

Cats smell nice when they hold your hand

Cats smell nice when they do something unplanned

Cats smell nice when they kiss your face

Cats smell nice when they attend jury duty in your place

Cats smell nice when they eat their dinner

Cats smell nice when they behead a sinner

Cats smell nice when they shed their fur

Cats smell nice when they lay there and purr

Books that should be made into Movies and Movies that should be made into books

By Tyler Sikov, Sonya Acharya, Abby Stoudt

 

BOOKS that should be made into movies

  1. Percy Jackson
  2. The Communist Manifesto
  3. The instruction manual for my cappuccino machine
  4. The Bible?
  5. Cheesecake Factory Menu
  6. Guinness book of world records
  7. Star Wars
  8. Frog and Toad (whole literary universe)
  9. The Adventure Zone: Book Three: Petals to the Metal. Only the third one, not the first two or any future volumes.
  10. A screenplay of The Cask of Amontillado that my friend and I wrote senior year of high school

Honorable mention: Any textbook on molecular biology. I mean have you seen those diagrams? Those in animation would be *chef’s kiss*

 

MOVIES that should be made into books

  1. Avatar the last Airbender
  2. Lord Of The Rings
  3. Harry Potter
  4. The Panera Bread barista training video
  5. Shrek (the whole cinematic universe)
  6. That Vine of the guy who is disgusted, and revolted, and who dedicated his entire life to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and this is the thanks he gets? While getting into a dryer.
  7. Grand Theft Auto
  8. The Baby Shark music video
  9. The ‘British lads hit each other with chair YouTube video
  10. Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)

Honorable mention: Inside Out, Up, and Big Hero 6, because crying at books hits different

 

An Incomplete List of Sandwich Ingredients

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Sonya Acharya

  1. Bread
  2. Soap
  3. Soup
  4. Hot Sauce
  5. Cheese-Itz
  6. Fitbit watches
  7. Sunset Dream Yankee Candles
  8. Head n’ Shoulders 5-in-1 Men’s Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Face Wash, and Sunscreen (SPF 613) with AXE scent
  9. Pomegranates
  10. Whole sticks of celery
  11.  Anti-inflammatory medications
  12.  Rice that’s crunchy on the outside
  13. Multiple decks of cards
  14. Bananas
  15. Bandanas
  16. Savannahs
  17. BEES
  18. Pencils
  19. Flatbread pizza
  20. Diamonds
  21. A Sandwich
  22. Hard Boiled eggs
  23. A Tesla Cyber truck
  24. Double stuffed baked potatoes
  25. Your tongue
  26. Russian nesting dolls
  27. Hershey’s™ kisses
  28. Airpods
  29. Cat toys
  30. Under armour quarter zips

 

Pitt Opens Fashion Department for Students Who Kinda Wanna Do Fashion but Told Their Parents They Were Gonna Get a CS Degree

By Savannah Teman

5 Top UK Fashion Schools for International Students ...

Something many students (about 5) have voiced their frustrations about is the lack of fashion and clothing design related courses at the school. Finally, Pitt has picked up on this cry for change and decided to add more fashion-related courses.

Initially, Pitt only had costume design courses, which usually appealed only to theater students that didn’t know how to act but didn’t want to let go of the only personality trait they had in high school. Recently, the school has opened a class on the history of European fashions, noting that if they want students to learn something, they have to start from the literal beginning. The class focuses on the usage of rags in early cavemen days to cover their privates from wild animals in their sleep. Then in the second section of this class, the focus shifts to corset wearing, and why it should be brought back. One of the main projects of the class is to make students wear corsets for a full two weeks to physically feel the effects of a corset on your vital organs. The third and final section of this class brings the topic to a more modern trend: Crocs, or more so, the attempts to erase Crocs from our culture. In Europe, Crocs are not nearly as popular as in America, but Pitt strongly stands by the belief that Crocs are diseased pieces of rubbish that look like jazzed up tires for your feet.

The next class Pitt hopes to add is a basic class on the techniques of sewing and designing clothing. This class will focus on making Edwardian Era fashion because that is as close to modern times that any Pitt department’s material is allowed to get.

Stay tuned for more information about Pitt’s up and coming fashion department here.

 

A Day in the Life of a Pittiful News Writer: Quarantine edition

By Tyler Sikov

7 AM, the usual morning lineup
Start on the chores and sweep ’til the floor’s all clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again and by then it’s like 7:15

And so I’ll read a book
Or maybe two or three
I’ll add a few new paintings
To my gallery

I’ll play guitar and knit
And cook and basically
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then, after lunch, it’s puzzles and darts and baking
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making
Then I’ll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb, sew a dress

And I’ll reread the books
If I have time to spare
I’ll paint the walls some more
I’m sure there’s room somewhere

And then I’ll brush and brush
And brush and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I’ve always been

And I’ll keep wanderin’ and wanderin’
And wanderin’ and wonderin’
When will my life begin?

And tomorrow night, the lights will appear
Just like they do on my birthday each year
What is it like out there where they glow?
Now that I’m older, mother might just let me go

15 Things That Were Actually Cake, and One Thing That Was Not

By Sonya Acharya

  1. The large wheel of aged wax-rind Gouda in my fridge
  2. ROC #4 (there are 7 ROCs. The other 6 were not cake.)
  3. The black belt I earned in the tenth grade
  4. The grape that they did surgery on
  5. The e-vites I sent out for my Zoom birthday party
  6. Gretchen Wieners’ hair (it was secret-flavored cake)
  7. The little boy sitting over on the bench while Tyler was being bullied
  8. My younger sister’s penguin on Club Penguin Rewritten
  9. All of the pirate hats used by the Jack Sparrow stuntmen
  10. My neighbor’s new puppy
  11. 60% of all lumps of fondant icing
  12. Half a bottle of strawberry vodka (the other half was strawberry vodka)
  13. Donald Trump’s notes for his Tulsa rally speech
  14. The cake in the window of the only small bakery in a large town in Wales
  15. The tablet that belonged to Rami Malek’s character in “Night at the Museum”

The only thing that was not actually cake was the beehive outside my mother’s kitchen window.

 

Pitt’s New Housing Plan for the 2020-2021 Year.

By Savannah Teman

Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.

Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.

Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.