Human Race Welcomes Giant Ball of Cum Hurtling Towards Earth

By Ernie Tremper

The final report had just come in over the wire service. Star anchorman Edward Mobley took a long drag on his cigarette. In a few moments, he’d be breaking the news to a whole city of people who tuned in to see him every night.
“Five seconds, Mr. Mobley,” said a young cameraman with curly hair that reached down to his bare nipples. Mobley looked at him with disdain. Then he extinguished his cigarette. It was time.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” As was his custom at the start of each broadcast, he lit a fresh cigarette.
“This is a somber occasion for us all. We’ve just got word that the giant ball of cum hurtling towards Earth will definitely wipe out all of humanity, probably within the hour.”
He took a long drag on the cigarette, then extinguished it, then lit another one.
“The scientists never were able to answer the questions on everyone’s mind. Where did the ball of cum originate? Whose cum is it? And so forth. Now it looks like those questions will never be answered. NASA has shuttered its doors, following the lead of the military, and the U.S. government.”
Mobley extinguished his second cigarette and lit a cigar.
“You might ask, why has everyone given up so quickly? But you know the answer. To try and evade the ball of cum would only be to prolong this long, cosmic mistake in which we’ve all taken part.”
Here he chomped on his cigar, and leaned forward in his chair paternalistically, as if he were about to warn his audience, as he often did, of the dangers of “musician drugs.”
“Dear friends, imagine a harried father, taking his family on a vacation. The quarrelling of the children, the nagging of his wife – it gets to be too much for him. He ends up driving his station wagon off a bridge. That car, about to plunge into the river, is humanity. We’ve just gotten worse and worse. We’ve been sliding closer and closer to the end for centuries now. The ball of cum has shortened our wait, and that is a tremendous gift.”
He extinguished his cigar and lit a corncob pipe.
“In just a moment, I’ll be signing off for the last time. After that, you’ll see on this station, as on every station in America until the end arrives, the Four Singing Brennans – one of those musical hippy families from San Francisco – performing their rendition of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine.’ Michael Brennan, who plays an acoustic guitar, his wife Sandy, and their two children, Yoni and Phallus, will sing ‘Imagine’ over and over again until everyone is dead. I can’t think of a better way to snuff out the human race.”
Then, the red light on the camera switched off. In the ensuing silence, Mobley extinguished his corncob pipe, and lit a huge Indian peace pipes. He dreamed of beating up hippies as he awaited death.

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Twenty Things that will Really Spice Up the Bedroom

By: Tyler Sikov

1. Garlic
2. Paprika
3. Pepper
4. Pumpkin Spice
5. A Blow Torch
6. Scary Spice
7. Old Spice
8. Sporty Spice
9. Baby Spice
10. Ginger Spice
11. Posh Spice
12. Salt
13. Vanilla
14. Take off your Pants
15. Coulomb
16. Sunlight
17. Earthflax
18. Jerk Spice
19. Saffron
20. Five Spice

A Nihilist’s Guide to the Top 10 Things to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

By: Zach Hartman

Wondering what you could possibly be thankful for in a world where life is meaningless and nothing matters? Check out this list of our top 10 things nihilists can give thanks for this November.

1. Food to sustain homeostasis though another meaningless day.
2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes 🎃☕️😛
3. That turkey died to be on your table, but it’s life didn’t matter and it doesn’t even know that it’s dead. Eat up!
4. Arguments. Even though your existence means nothing, at least it was bitter and terrible.
5. A crisp autumn breeze 🍂😍
6. Memes, for cementing your disappointment in humanity.
7. Your friends and family 😊😘 (Thanks to my mom for coming up with #4).
8. Arby’s.
9. The heat death of the universe is inevitable, but it’s still 10^100 years away.
10. Why am I writing this it’s not going to get published anyway

My Top Answers to the Seven Most Awkward Thanksgiving Family Questions

By: Sonya Acharya

The holiday season is a great time to reconnect with your blood relations, which can mean lots of awkward questions, since everyone wants to know what you as a ‘damn millennial’ have been killing since they last saw you. But don’t worry! We here at the Pittiful News have got some spicy answers you can borrow to fill those awkward silences in the living room and around the dining table.

Q: “What is one of the top things on your bucket list?”
A: What if I’m indecisive and can’t decide what I want on my bucket list? What if I’m immortal and don’t have a bucket list? Why are we talking about death anyway, Linda? But since you asked, the top three things are, in order: to meet every character in Disney World while I’m dressed as that character, to appear on The Great British Bake Off, and to overthrow an oppressive social institution.

Q: Have you ever blacked out?
A: Have you?
(Let them answer, and then reply “OMG same! Twinsies!”)

Q: “What do you carry in your wallet?
A: OK first of all, bold of you to assume I even have a wallet. I do, but still. My driver’s license, $4.58 in cash, an expired fake ID, my library card from 2005, a Polaroid of my stalker, and a Trader Joe’s receipt for 2 containers of roasted red pepper hummus and a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers.

Q: “What’s your blood type?”
A: Why, Dave? So you can steal the blood, my blood, from my own veins? This is an invasion of privacy. I’m not answering that. Next.

Q: “You are forced to kill the person you’re deeply in love with. How did you get here and what are you going to do?”
A: I had a small encounter I had with a rubber duck, an 87-year old woman with a stiletto knife, and a handful of packing peanuts. What do I do? I kill them, obviously. You said ‘forced’ in the question, it’s not like I have a choice. Poison in the coffee I buy them on our next date should do it. I can find someone else to fall deeply in love with. Plenty of fish in the sea, amirite?

Q: “So you’re a millennial? What industries have you killed recently?”
A: Buttercream frosting, divorce lawyers, Crocs, diamonds… so many of them. I killed my succulents and also the stupid questions industry.

Q: “You up? 😉”
A: …
(This question is usually asked by that one cousin who’s a total fuckboy but also extremely hot? Second cousin, so it’s not, like, CRAZY, but probably illegal? idk. Regardless, meet it with stony silence; now’s a good time to go get some more food, or better, something to drink.)

Things I Would Like to Be

By: Jess Simpson

  • British
  • A Witch
  • Someone people look up to, a celebrity
  • Your Favorite Celebrity, Emma Watson
  • The poster of Emma Watson hanging on your bedroom wall, so I could watch you while you sleep.
  • Other things in your room, unrelated to Emma Watson, like your pillowcase, so you could pull me close at night and maybe drool on me (but only a little).
  • Or your socks that you keep folded neatly in your drawer and wear every day, so we could walk through life together.
  • And if we walked into your kitchen, I would like to be your coffee pot so I could give you something every morning, and help lift you up with—milk, sugar, and maybe some cream—that are just three more things I’d like to be for you.  
  • And after you drink your coffee, you’d inevitably go to the bathroom and there I would like to be your toothbrush so I could kiss you in this semi-invasive-odd way and trace the taste-buds on your tongue and the plaque building at your teeth that your dentist warned you about last week, and I only know about because I was there, watching, to make sure you were okay.
  • And I think it would be wonderful to be all of these things or none of these things so I could be your wife or girlfriend or someone you want to see (we don’t have to commit right away).  Just as long as it’s only you and me and our pillows and our socks and our coffeepot and our toothbrush.  And you forget about Emma Watson.

Life Hacks You Will Love

By: Shannon Kelly

• Buy multiple hampers: This way, no matter how much dirty laundry you have, it will always fit in one of your laundry baskets.
• Buy stamps: Once a year, buy a whole book of stamps that you’ll eventually misplace.
• Eat all of your groceries in one day:Now you don’t have to worry about them going bad!
• Avoid buying clothes: Just put stickers on your old ones and people will think you’re rich.
• Use a binder as a clipboard: Don’t be afraid to change things up every once in a while!
• Eat everything: Orange peels, banana peels, avocado skin,
don’t leave anything to waste.
• Tell everyone your dad is the Dean: You can get away with any-
thing your heart desires.
• Shower 7 times each Monday: Save time by getting in all of your showers in at the beginning of the week.
• Max out your credit cards: So you don’t have to worry about spending too much in one place.
• Use thumbtacks correctly: Stab yourself in the thumb with a
thumbtack because that’s what they’re made for.
• Have a child: You can claim them as a dependent on your tax forms.
• Steal

Quiz: Are These Noises Made by Power Tools or Food Processors?

By: Remi (Guest Writer)

  1. BYAYAYAYYAYAYAYY
    1. Power Tool
    2. Food Processor
  2. WEEEEEEEEEYYAAAOOOOOOOO
    1. Power Tool
    2. Food Processor
  3. PEWPWEPPWPWEPAPAHPA
    1. Power Tool
    2. Food Processor
  4. *Sound of fruit being smashed*
    1. Power Tool
    2. Food Processor
  5. FIZIFIZFIIZFIFIZFIPFIZFPZFI
    1. Power Tool
    2. Food Processor

 

Answer Key:

 

  1. Power tool – How could you get that wrong you buffoon?
  2. Power tool – Seriously, only an absolute barbarian could mess this up.
  3. Food processor – Please stop just please make it stop
  4. Food processor – You troglodyte.
  5. Power tool – Idiot!