Election Scandal in the SGB!

By Eric Brinling

Student Government Board

    The story is developing rapidly. Every hour, more information comes to light. An elimination of political rivals, a coup in the heart of Pitt. A drama fit for the ages. When your grandchildren ask where you were when the Brightside Slate crossed off the Vision Slate, you can tell them you were here: reading Pitt’s most trusted name in news.

    It all began with the Vision Slate handing out innocent little Hershey’s cup holders to freshmen. As everyone knows, freshmen consume 10 times more Hershey’s than the next highest class (which would actually be juniors, at an average of 43 chocolates/day). While the holders were welcome to those who received them, they were quickly met with scrutiny from some on the outside looking in.

    To some, these Hershey’s cup holders resembled shot glasses. If you just heard that, it was a collective gasp. Shot glasses – handed out to freshmen? Truly inconceivable! I would wager they had never even seen a shot glass before, unless they happened to wander into the Pitt Shop on Forbes, where at least they would be charged nine bucks for one. 

    If there is one person who had indeed seen a shot glass before as a freshman, it is Tyler Viljaste, leader of the rival Brightside Slate. Indeed, he had seen so many that he recognized the Hershey’s cup holders immediately, and like any concerned citizen would have done he submitted a complaint against them. By all accounts, Viljaste was himself a drinker and a partier when he was a freshman. Surely his only motivation was to prevent others from ending up like him. It’s horrible what alcohol can do to a young, promising leader in the community. At least Viljaste and the rest of the Brightside Slate are not alone; I’ve heard a similar thing happened to a poor young Vladimir Putin.

    Whatever the results of the election today, I’m sure we can all agree that we are relieved Viljaste’s scheme succeeded. Sources tell me that, if it was to fail, the Brightside Slate was prepared to use nerve agents to ‘take out’ their political rivals in the Vision Slate.

The Second American Civil War (updated with information we found after our third trimester abortion of our resident intersex hypersexual homosexual (edits made in bold))

By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)

America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war.   Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.

In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.  

The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:

“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.

In November 2018, another leftist columnist wrote an article entitled “The midterm elections revealed that America is in a cold civil war” where he stated the following:

“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .

Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…

One side will need to beat off the other.”

Left handed columnist David Atkins wrote an article for Washington Monthly in May of 2019 entitled “GOP Anti-Choice Zealots Threaten to Lurch America into a Cold Civil War”.  In a similar vein to the article Jack Horsey retweeted, Atkins wrote the following:

 “Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore

Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…

Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws

… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”

Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.

Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.

In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:

“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.

In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.

This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…

Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…

Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.

There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”

In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…

Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.

One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.

“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”

He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”

The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”

And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights.  The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”.  Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:

“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”

Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.

“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…

“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.”” 

Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right

The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government.  And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.

Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations.  They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world.  They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order.  Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations.  They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.

Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born.  Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.

Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority.  Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.

Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman.  Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.

Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.

Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor.  Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government.  They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.

Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens.  They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes.  Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities. 

Leftists believe in a top down approach.  That society is best order from an all-powerful central government.  Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government.  They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level.   This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left

The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups.  Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.

While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left.  This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think.  In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think.  Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.

The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left.  The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.      

Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common.  Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues.  And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.

The Fronts in the Second American Civil War 

Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights.  A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.

On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative.  At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech.   The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed.  So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media.  In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.

On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.

On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights.  Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.

On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.  

On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive.   On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style.  Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.

Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.

On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.

A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved

If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms.  And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction. 

But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.

Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God.  They stood their ground.   And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.

Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored. 

Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.

America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization.  But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.

I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”.  And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian.  But this is not a true statement.  Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do.  But it is not the ONLY way.   

God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now.  If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that?  If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this?  If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying.  I am not calling for ecumenicalism.  But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works.  And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.

Possible titles for the next Spiderman movie

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Title for Upcoming Third Spider-Man Film Revealed to be ...
  • Home – bound
  • Home – Alone
  • Home – oerrotic
  • Home – osexuality is an affront to god  
  • Home – of the brave land of the free
  • Home – Alone 2, lost in New York, sans Donald Trump
  • No – Home – o
  • Homeless
  • Home – ing missile
  • Home – of Hades
  • Home – making
  • Home – girls
  • Home – r’s the Iliad
  • There’s no place like – Home
  • Please MJ, come – Home – it was just one night and it meant nothing
  • Spiderman is a menace and a – Home – osexual  
  • Home – Slice
  • Welcome – Home

I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

5            

4

3

2

1

Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

I got beat up by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys

By Eric Brinling

Brian Wilson eating a 45 | Brian wilson, The beach boys ...

I found myself walking down the street last Tuesday. It was a good thing, too, as I had
lost myself three days prior and was getting worried.

That’s when it hit me. A wall of harmonized vocals assaulted my ears and made me crave
for a groovy day of surfing on a California beach. It was a familiar sound, as I had previously
been lured into a back alley by the legendary Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys with this very surf
rock sound, and once more it acted as a siren song. Against my better judgement I was drawn to
the sound’s source, another dark alley.

My sight was limited by the darkness, but I could make out a lump in the shape of Brian
Wilson of the Beach Boys slumped on the ground. The music stopped, and the Brian Wilson-
shaped lump winced in pain, as if the music had been sustaining him. And now, it seemed, the
vintage 60’s-era radio was out of his reach.

“Help Me, Rhonda,” he gasped, noticing my presence. Despite not being Rhonda, I
turned the radio back on. The lump, already much more energized, stood, and formed the
distinctive shape of Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. He held his hand out to me, and asked, “Do
You Wanna Dance?”

I politely declined, but he egged me on. “Dance, Dance, Dance,” he said, getting angrier
with each repetition.

His eyes were now filled with hate, for I would not dance with him. He puffed up his
chest, beat his fists, and crack his back. He was going to beat me up! Or, as he put it: “Bull
Session with the ‘Big Daddy’.”

He charged. But, of course, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys is a 78-year-old man, which
I told him, but he only said, “I’m So Young.” I can assure you, he was not so young.

It took him about two minutes of shambling to get to me. That might not seem like a lot
but we were merely six feet away from each other. Then he clocked me, with a surprisingly solid
left hook, knocking me to the ground.

“Don’t Hurt My Little Sister,” he said threateningly. I didn’t know what he meant by that,
since I didn’t even know Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys had a little sister, but I assumed, by the
way it was said, that it was a threat.

I struggled to get up. “Fun, Fun, Fun,” he said, mocking me. Then he kicked my shins,
knocking me down once again.

“Do It Again,” he said, goading me to try standing up again. Taking the hint, I stayed
down. “Wonderful,” he said as he walked jauntily out of the alleyway, seemingly getting jauntier
with every step.

As for me, I writhed in pain on the pavement. I could feel myself getting older, wiser, and
more musically inclined. The only thing keeping me alive was the vocal harmonies of myself,
my brothers Dennis and Carl, our cousin Mike Love, and our friend Al Jardine. I knew that,
when the music ended, I would soon perish.

I was dejected, demoralized, and yet the only words I could force out of my mouth were:
“I Just Wasn’t Made for These Times.”

Horoscopes For the Week of 2/14

By Ella Mizera

HOROSCOPES: It’s all about you, Libra and Scorpio – Monday ...

Aries: Love can come from many pathways and avenues. And sewers and dark alleyways and dungeons, but people tend not to check those places.

Taurus: Candy hearts printed with demonic sigils seem like a harmless prank on your girlfriend until her scleras turn black and she starts crawling on ceilings. 

Gemini: This Valentine’s Day, skip the roses. Send something more thoughtful and personal. Paper-thin slices of my frontal lobe did the trick for me.

Cancer: Researchers haven’t yet isolated the “cuddle chemical” from our brains. They’re not sure it actually exists, but there has to be a reason behind the Montgomery Cuddle Riots of 1982.

Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue,  ̶̼̂ḭ̷̈́a̵̠͛!̶̲͌,̶͖̽ ̷̲͐ī̸̦ȧ̷̟!̸̠̂,̵̬̈́ ̵̗̃f̶͕̐’̵̩̇ţ̵̑a̴̖͒g̶̠̉ḥ̵̆n̷͔̄ ̸̭͊c̵̘͌t̵͓͗h̴̦͛ų̵̏l̴͍̅h̶̦̕u

Virgo: I love your blue eye/ And the smiles on your face/ And your three sets of arms/ For a three-fold embrace…

Libra: It’s not a codependent relationship if they’re living inside your small intestine.

Scorpio: The wetness in your ear just comes from a benevolent long-limbed night stalker. If your eyes stay closed, it’s almost like a kiss.

Sagittarius: Listen closely to the teddy bear, and you may hear a very gentle clacking of teeth inside.

Capricorn: Contrary to popular belief, snow is not the most romantic form of precipitation. It’s not even a form of precipitation at all!

Aquarius: Don’t drive between 5:42 and 6:42 tonight. The barrier is weak, and the form in the fog was not meant to be seen by your eyes. 

Pisces: Lift me up, asks your two-headed dog, so that I may see the stars one last time. Lift me high.

This is the 7th article I have written about being in a cult and people are starting to get suspicious

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Explore the inside of your favorite cult – The Maine Campus

So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.

1.      Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.

2.      Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.

3.      I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.

4.      I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.

5.      I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.

6.      One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.

7.      I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,

To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.

Experimental Theater Group to Debut Devised Improv ‘Zoom-sical’

By Ella Mizera

THE WIZARD OF OZ: THE ZOOMSICAL! TRAILER - YouTube

A new Pittsburgh-based theater group named “Corona Players TK” is debuting their first show this weekend. 

The show, which is still untitled at the time of writing, is described as “an exploration of the human nervous system in these highly unprecedented times.” 

“From email-writing to web-surfing, from Zoom meetings to Teams meetings, all of the activities of the modern millennial in the age of COVID are dramatized,” says director Leslie Goopenburg. This is Goopenburg’s first directorial adventure, as well as the stage debut of 80% of the cast. (The other 20% have never acted before in their lives.) “It’s an incisive look into the tedium and ennui of the everyman.”

Goopenburg, who also worked as stage manager, assistant director, marketing team, and cast exorcist, says the bags under her eyes are purely cosmetic. “The Corona Players don’t have the budget for Zoom Premium,” she confessed, so cast and audience members alike will be experiencing the show in forty-minute intervals. 

I was lucky enough to sit in on a dress rehearsal (also the first rehearsal with the entire cast), featuring Makayla Malchanteur and Kyle Monotone. The entirely-improvised soundtrack, which is made up primarily of a capella singing over the three chords Goopenburg can play on the piano, almost approaches having a time signature about half an hour into Ms. Malchanteur’s seventeeth solo. 

Instead of recording several takes to perfect their performance, the group prefers a “raw, connected” experience of watching nothing but their own faces for three hours straight. every techincal difficulty will be included “as an ode to the American Dream”.

“It’s really harnessing the power of technology in a way that no other theaters are doing,” says Monotone. “We’re like pioneers of the Zoom performance.” Another member of the cast, Nathan Bocaza, added: “Watching actors perform on-screen is an entirely new experience. Everyone wants to gather around the 13-inch screen and watch together, even though they’ll all be separate, unable to hear or see each other.”

“Where else besides Zoom can you see twenty-nine indistinguishable and unmemorable amateur theater groups perform their collaborative dramatic abortions?”

Mr. Monotone believes in the restorative power of theater. “After a long day of staring at screens for work and school, the first thing people want to turn to for entertainment is that same screen. Never gets old.” He also assured me that sitting alone on your couch is the “exact same experience” as going out to see live theater.

“In the end, you’re getting an even better deal: same level of professionalism, more convenience. We even charge the same!”

No Interviews for Old Men

By Eric Brinling

Happy and sad old man Blank Template - Imgflip

Recently I have decided to begin one of the most ambitious projects the Pittiful News has
ever seen. For the last few months, this has been my one goal, my drive, the thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning. And yet, I’ve been let down. Indeed, America has been let down, my
loyal readers, for my dreams of starting an interview segment have fallen flat as neither Joe
Biden nor Donald Trump have responded to my requests for interviews.
In November, when everything was all happy and hunky dory, I decided it would be a
good time to email the two of them and ask if they wanted to come on my show. We’re a
comedy newspaper, but I assured them that the jokes would be lighthearted and strictly
apolitical. It would be a fun time, I promised. And yet, neither one of them could give me a
simple “no” (or, more desirably, a “yes”).
And so, in lieu of an actual interview, I will present to you a few of my questions, and
you can make up their answers for yourself.

QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN

 When you’re waiting for something, do you often say that you are ‘Biden’ your time?
 If your image was on a silly hat, in what pose would you prefer to be immortalized?
 May I call you Joey Bides when I’m telling my mom about this interview later?
 Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
 If Kamala Harris mysteriously goes missing in upstate New York next Friday, would you
consider choosing me as your next VP?
 Do you agree with the observation that your face has gotten longer over the years? And,
if so, why the long face?
 How does it feel being nobody’s first choice for president?
 Why isn’t bolder action being taken with Democrats holding the presidency and
majorities in both chambers of the legislature?
 Do you keep a nightlight on to ward off Mitch McConnell, who is known to lurk in
darkness?
 Have you ever seen Obama naked?

QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP

 Both of us came dressed with the middle name John so obviously one of us has to
change. That wasn’t a question, but what if it was?
 If you know that everyone thinks your skin is orange-hued, why do you keep using that
orange spray tan? Literally everybody says it looks bad. This seriously baffles me.
 Were your feelings truly hurt by Facebook commenters calling you “Drumpf”?
 Do you agree that Donald is a silly name, or are you used to little kids giggling behind
your back at this point?
 Same question as the last one, but replace Donald with Trump.
 Had your mob succeeded in hanging Mike Pence, who was at the top of your list as
replacement VP? Was it me?
 Did someone many years ago dare you to say the word “tremendous” once for every
woman you’ve sexually assaulted?
 Did you intentionally propagate the lie of election fraud or were you too stupid and
egotistical to realize you actually lost?
 Would you rather the history books say you lost the election because you were unlikeable
or because you failed in the response to a pandemic and left hundreds of thousands of
Americans to die, meanwhile stoking the flames of a culture war of your own creation?
 Have you ever seen Rudy Giuliani naked?