Top Five Tips to Keep the Heat in This Winter Season

By Rachel Boward

1) Beef! Warm it up, baby. Those meaty patties will keep you all warm and snuggly as the ice storms rage outside. Just apply a nice slab of freshly microwaved cow flesh on all your exposed bits and you’ll be steaming in seconds! Makes for a delicious meal for you and your honey on those long winter evenings as well. Just add some ketchup and mayo and you’ve got a meal fit for a king!

2) Asbestos makes a comeback this February. What might call an “infamous public health menace” is really your key to a nice, toasty abode. Who doesn’t remember those wonderful evenings at Grammy’s house, fire burning in the fireplace, chestnuts roasting, and you and your five siblings huddling for warmth while you all cough to expel that hot, hot carcinogen from your little bodies. Nostalgic, effective, and 100% safe, asbestos is your key to keeping those gas bills low this winter.

3) Fire. More fire. So much fire. Hot. Burning. Engulfing everything. Let it smolder. Flames lick the ceiling. Scorching heat. Burn. Burn. BURN.

4) Soup bath! Ah, remember the good ‘ol days when you’d come home from a long day of sledding and snow angels to find the tub all filled up with the toasty, delicious liquid? Well, maybe mom’s not around anymore to steam the potatoes or cut up the carrots, but why not just do it yourself! Short on time? Grab a few cans of the store-bought stuff, microwave for a couple of minutes and voila, you’re got dinner and a bath fit for a king. The best part? You can always invite over your closest friends and family to share in the delicious, soupy fun with you once you’re done. Just make sure to clear the suds away before they get there.

5) Friction. Fun fact! Emperor penguins huddle for warmth. So, we can, too! Wanna take it to the next level? Just start rubbing. The faster the better. Remember those high school physics and let your Fsmax by μs η! Use this method to spark your tinder for number 3 as well. Don’t have a close chap to chaf around with? Well, a heavy blanket or textured wall can work just as well. Try it out with any rough surfaces around the house for an exciting day of friction fun!


A Towers Boi™’s Journey to Upper Campus

By: Zach Hartman

It was a chilly Sunday afternoon when I decided I would join the select few who had reached the highest point on Pitt’s campus. It wouldn’t be an easy journey, but after hiking up to Chevron at 8 AM 3 times a week, I knew I was ready. As I collected my things into my rucksack, I made sure not to forget my Panther Card lest I get locked out of Tower C again on my way back down. Leaving my beloved home, the towers lobby, I started the hike. The beginning of the trek was only a gentle slope, with a quick break at the intersection of De Soto and O’Hara. The incline was getting steeper though, and conditions were getting rough, and there was still a lot of climbing to go before I reached the base camp at 1040 ft, the Petersen Events Center. Luckily there were moving stair devices and a climate-controlled environment there to assist the climbers.

It was here where I met up with my Sherpa. Sarah, a native of Sutherland Hall had already been acclimated to these conditions. I only got called a wimp twice as I started to fall behind. Through even more stairs I persevered. The air was getting very cold and the oxygen running thin. Finally, the second camp at 1120 ft, Sutherland Hall, emerged over the horizon. We were almost there! As I climbed the final stairs inside Sutherland, I felt a rush of relief! Finally, after long last, I had reached the glorious summit! The Perch! Planting my flag and ready to feast in celebration of my achievement, I handed my card to the cashier, and she quickly swiped it. The last thing I heard before I passed out from dehydration was to the person behind me: “Thank you, next!”

Opinion: Why Cathy Should Have a Festivus Pole

By Blair Kriz

It’s that magical time of year. The campus has been decorated since before Thanksgiving, it’s a cold and rainy wonderland outside, and the crows have decorated the ground with various shades of grey and white. It’s almost Christmas! Or Hanukkah! Or some other holiday! Or nothing, if you follow another religion or if you’re just that really boring kind of atheist. If you’ve been to the Cathedral of Learning recently, you’ll notice that it has been appropriately decorated for the season. Well, almost. I propose that Cathy should be decorated for Festivus.
If you’re unfamiliar with Festivus, go watch season nine episode ten of Seinfeld. This article will still be here when you’re done. For those of you pretending to have better things to do, here’s a summary of the holiday: Festivus is celebrated on December 23rd by having dinner with your friends and family and participating in the “Airing of Grievances,” in which you tell everyone how they’ve disappointed you over the past year. After dinner, the head of the family challenges a member of the feast to a wrestling match known as the “Feats of Strength.” Easily explained occurrences are referred to as “Festivus Miracles,” and the holiday’s decorations consist solely of a plain aluminum pole in contrast to the flashy consumerism of Christmas.
This wonderful holiday should be celebrated and promoted at Pitt for a variety of reasons. Recognizing Festivus would help bring about the spirit of inclusivity here on campus. The kind of people who think they’re funnier than they actually are (e.g. everyone who writes for the Pittiful News) dig this holiday for its irreverent jabs at our culture. Those atheists I mentioned earlier who are the super stuck-up kind and not the kind who’re just about breaking the rules will finally have a perfect secular December holiday. Ultra-hardcore liberals will find solace in its anti-consumerist messages. Which leads us to the next big reason: we’re all broke college students. We just can’t afford to buy expensive gifts for our loved ones for a mega-commercialized holiday that was once about Jesus or something. With the exorbitant tuition we pay, the option to celebrate a holiday that doesn’t require us to spend any more money should be included in it. And finally, I think that a Festivus pole would be perfect in Cathy because they are both vaguely phallic. I performed a ritual with the Pitt Necromancy Club to reanimate Sigmund Freud and ask his opinion on the matter, and he said they absolutely are.
The only reason I could see the campus not wanting to spread Festivus cheer is that we might air our grievances about Chancellor Gallagher. But the truth is we would just do that anyway. Just look at any issue of this paper. Pitt has no reason not to adopt this wonderful holiday that will bring endless happiness and feats of strength to our campus.

Human Race Welcomes Giant Ball of Cum Hurtling Towards Earth

By Ernie Tremper

The final report had just come in over the wire service. Star anchorman Edward Mobley took a long drag on his cigarette. In a few moments, he’d be breaking the news to a whole city of people who tuned in to see him every night.
“Five seconds, Mr. Mobley,” said a young cameraman with curly hair that reached down to his bare nipples. Mobley looked at him with disdain. Then he extinguished his cigarette. It was time.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” As was his custom at the start of each broadcast, he lit a fresh cigarette.
“This is a somber occasion for us all. We’ve just got word that the giant ball of cum hurtling towards Earth will definitely wipe out all of humanity, probably within the hour.”
He took a long drag on the cigarette, then extinguished it, then lit another one.
“The scientists never were able to answer the questions on everyone’s mind. Where did the ball of cum originate? Whose cum is it? And so forth. Now it looks like those questions will never be answered. NASA has shuttered its doors, following the lead of the military, and the U.S. government.”
Mobley extinguished his second cigarette and lit a cigar.
“You might ask, why has everyone given up so quickly? But you know the answer. To try and evade the ball of cum would only be to prolong this long, cosmic mistake in which we’ve all taken part.”
Here he chomped on his cigar, and leaned forward in his chair paternalistically, as if he were about to warn his audience, as he often did, of the dangers of “musician drugs.”
“Dear friends, imagine a harried father, taking his family on a vacation. The quarrelling of the children, the nagging of his wife – it gets to be too much for him. He ends up driving his station wagon off a bridge. That car, about to plunge into the river, is humanity. We’ve just gotten worse and worse. We’ve been sliding closer and closer to the end for centuries now. The ball of cum has shortened our wait, and that is a tremendous gift.”
He extinguished his cigar and lit a corncob pipe.
“In just a moment, I’ll be signing off for the last time. After that, you’ll see on this station, as on every station in America until the end arrives, the Four Singing Brennans – one of those musical hippy families from San Francisco – performing their rendition of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine.’ Michael Brennan, who plays an acoustic guitar, his wife Sandy, and their two children, Yoni and Phallus, will sing ‘Imagine’ over and over again until everyone is dead. I can’t think of a better way to snuff out the human race.”
Then, the red light on the camera switched off. In the ensuing silence, Mobley extinguished his corncob pipe, and lit a huge Indian peace pipes. He dreamed of beating up hippies as he awaited death.

A Nihilist’s Guide to the Top 10 Things to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

By: Zach Hartman

Wondering what you could possibly be thankful for in a world where life is meaningless and nothing matters? Check out this list of our top 10 things nihilists can give thanks for this November.

1. Food to sustain homeostasis though another meaningless day.
2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes 🎃☕️😛
3. That turkey died to be on your table, but it’s life didn’t matter and it doesn’t even know that it’s dead. Eat up!
4. Arguments. Even though your existence means nothing, at least it was bitter and terrible.
5. A crisp autumn breeze 🍂😍
6. Memes, for cementing your disappointment in humanity.
7. Your friends and family 😊😘 (Thanks to my mom for coming up with #4).
8. Arby’s.
9. The heat death of the universe is inevitable, but it’s still 10^100 years away.
10. Why am I writing this it’s not going to get published anyway