Move Over Global Warming, It’s Sweater Time

By Abby Stoudt

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Hey guys do you think that we could stop with this global warming stuff? I really want to wear a sweater. It’s fall, look at your calendars. It’s legally sweater weather and if I can’t wear a sweater outside sometime soon, I’m going to lose it.

My favorite sweater is this yellow cable-knit one that I bought at H&M and if I don’t wear it at least 287 times a year then I might die. I don’t know if I’ll definitely die but frankly, I don’t really want to live in a life where I can’t wear my favorite sweater at least 287 a year. Maybe this year I’ll go for a new record and wear it 300 times. I’ll never know if I can actually hit this goal unless we get our act together and stop global warming. I mean it you guys.

No, I will not just bear with it and wear a sweater outside right now. It’s 75 degrees outside and if I wear a sweater, I’ll get heat stroke and then have to go to the wellness center and miss class. Do you want me to miss class? Then stop with this global warming stuff please. 

I think that I know how we can fix all of this so that we can make sweater weather our today and not some story from the “good old days” we tell our children. I’m not having kids so who the hell am I going to tell about sweater weather if we keep going on with this? In order to stop global warming, we just need to make the globe cooler. I propose that if we just all turn on our air conditioning to the highest setting and open our freezers and also leave the windows open, we can reverse global warming. My hair dryer has a cool setting and I can use that too if anyone thinks that it’ll help.

Also, the ice caps are melting so we need to fix that. If we bring back the ice caps good enough, we can have permanent sweater weather. You know when you drink gets warm, so you put ice in it to cool it off? I think we should do that with the Arctic. Maybe we can make more ice in the Arctic if we dump enough ice-cubes in there.

I don’t know enough about the environment to know if any of my ideas would really do anything, but also I don’t like being wrong so I don’t want to hear anything if I am. Thanks.

 

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Everything We Know About This Year’s iPhone

By Zach Hartman

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Apple is rumored to have announced this year’s iteration of the iPhone at their event earlier today. Usually the content of these announcements is a tightly-kept secret until much after the event. We at The Pittiful News, however, have compiled some information about what we think will be announced through various rumors, leaks, and predictions. Here’s what we know:

  • It’ll be shiny
  • It will be made of metal and glass
  • You can call people on it
  • Maybe even text them too
  • It’ll have apps
  • And probably a screen of some sort
  • And at least one camera
  • It will have a battery life
  • It will support AirPods so you can continue to flex on the hoes
  • Siri is still a bitch
  • You already want it, but can’t afford it
  • It comes in a box
  • It also comes with Apple stickers
  • It has a fruit on the back, but do not eat it.
  • It gives the use the power of telecommunication
  • You still will never get a signal in the Cathedral

Wow, this year’s iPhone sure sounds like a killer. Isn’t it amazing how fast technology changes? What will Silicon Valley think of next?

Types of Salsa

In honor of Cinco de Mayo the Pittiful News has decided to put together the complete list of types of salsa:

  1. Mild
  2. Medium
  3. Spicy
  4. Thick and Chunky
  5. Thin and Mushy
  6. Hard and Lumpy
  7. Hot and Sour
  8. Batman and Robin
  9. Just straight beans
  10. Fiery
  11. The dance (is it hot in here?)
  12. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
  13. Bean there Done that
  14. Jalapeno Business
  15. Guacamole
  16. Restaurant Style

Please enjoy responsibly!

By Tyler Sikov

Meeting the Most Feared Gangster in the Underworld

Every muscle in my body is quaking as I walk to the door. This could be the end of me.

For as long as I’ve pushed speed in Seattle, I’ve heard stories about the Doc.

I’ve never met anyone who’s seen him and lived to tell about it. He’s one of those men so feared, no one will dare question his unusual habits.

Kind of like how Al Capone used to hang around gas stations late at night singing nursery rhymes while dressed as a giant mouse. Or how Lucky Luciano had a ballpoint pen fetish. Do you think anyone dared so much as mention it in front of them?

They say the Doc don’t drink whisky or gin. Nothing but fine, imported sherry. Sometimes he spends the whole day in his office, listening to classical music, not accepting any visitors. They say that’s when you know he’s getting ready…for wanking!

I mean whacking!

As my trembling hand grasps the doorknob, I realize with horror that there’s classical music playing inside the office now. I’m as good as dead. I stagger in, shaking.

It’s an elegant office space, with a large oak desk, behind which stands an enormous swivel chair, its back to me. Slowly, I approach, and then, with what little voice I can muster, whisper, “Sir?”

Suddenly the chair swivels round, giving me my first look of the formidable man. To my amazement, I recognize him.

“Frasier?”

His eyes widen with shock. Immediately he jumps up and closes the door. “You know who I am?”

Stuttering, I answer, “Of course, Doctor Crane! I’m a huge fan! You’re a mobster?”

In great distress, he answers, “No one must know. Fifteen years ago, I was hosting a dinner party for the Seattle elite. But my father’s dog absconded with the goose I was going to serve! I had no recourse but to contact a rather low and dubious gentleman who claimed to have ties that would enable him to procure any sort of poultry at a moment’s notice. Little did I know what ties these were!

“When my brother and I arrived for the trade-off, we found the man lying in a pool of blood, surrounded by the most villainous creatures you could imagine. Our only chance of surviving was to pass ourselves off as mob bosses. Poor Niles wasn’t the least bit convincing, so they drove a nail through his skull. Fortunately, they believed me. I’ve been trapped in this situation ever since. Fifteen years! I so long to see my father, if he is still alive.”

Deeply moved, I tell him that I can help him escape.

With profound gratitude, he answers, “Oh thank you stranger. At last this eternal exercise in seeing how the other half lives can come to an end. I shall be glad to be done with my trip through It’s a Small World pretending I was a UN interpreter – OH GOD!”

It was too late. Seconds later we both hit the floor.

By Ernie Tremper

Your Roommate Probably Hates Your Friends

Do you ever get the impression that your roommate hates it when you have your friends over? Do you feel that they just might not understand how you put up with those people? Well here’s some possible reasons why. Your roommate might hate your friends if…

  • They ask them the questions about the weird stuff on their desk that you’ve been polite enough not to ask
  • They’re the people who are at Market to Go at two AM
  • They hide under your bed and sleep there
  • They talk to you in another language so your roommate has no idea what you’re saying and as far as they know you could be making fun of them
  • They’re furries and they’ve just gotta make sure everyone knows about it
  • They correct you whenever you call a trebuchet a catapult
  • They play their Japanese music games at full volume
  • They decorate their room with memes that will be dead in a few days, and encourage you to do the same
  • They’ve spent a significant portion of their lives trying to figure out the words to Gwen Stefani’s The Sweet Escape other than “refrigerator”
  • There’s that one character that they like just a little too much…
  • They’re bio majors who are trying to create plants that can feel pain because of that one time a worker at the vegan section of Market was rude to them
  • They think reminding people that Bee Movie exists is funny
  • They like to pretend to be the floor
  • They constantly brag about how they take the Chevron stairs to upper campus and how it’s “good for your buns and thighs” (that one’s me, sorry)
  • They’re always complaining about the asbestos discovered where they live in Holland Hall
  • They hide under your roommate’s bed and sleep there
  • They talk about a really hard class in their major as if anyone else knows what the hell they’re saying
  • Whenever you quote from Spongebob, they start reciting the whole scene (also me, sorry)

By Blair Kriz

My Trip to Valhalla

I should probably start with how I ended up here in Valhalla. Well I love to kill people, I kill everyone regardless of race, age, gender, religion, you tell me and I’ll kill ‘em. See the problem with my addiction to killing people is that once the person is dead they don’t come back. I wish they’d come back so I can kill them a different way. I figured that if I got into Valhalla I could kill people everyday and they would be back to eat dinner. I’m not normally the heroic type so the next time I went to kill someone I didn’t stab them I instead stabbed myself and welp here I am.  Once I got here I was greeted with Odin’s hour long “10 step plan to succeed in Valhalla”. The highlights were “eat your mead”, “report every time Loki visits you in your dreams”, and “don’t kill my ravens”. I was then rushed into an elevator and sent to the 177th floor aka the floor for people who did something stupid to get into Valhalla. I was in room a room all the way at the end of the hall 38 miles away from the elevators. My neighbor got in because he, the son of Tear (the god of personal challenges), got challenged into a fight in a bar that he was ill prepared for because he has no arms. Jeff on my floor was on the ground and suddenly had flashbacks to his war days where he was afraid of paratroopers and started shooting at the skydivers above, he was then killed by a stray lightning bolt from Zeus if you believe in those fake gods. Another person who lives on my floor got in because he was sky diving with his trusty AK-47 and then suddenly remembered how much he hated ants, unfortunately the ants he thought he saw were people, he then got shot by Jeff.  This makes dinner at the table for those who died single, or as we hate to call it the kids table, very awkward. While at the kids table Odin came over to me wearing one of those fake nose and mustache glasses disguise. He thought I could not tell it was him, but I definitely knew it was. Despite Odin being right next to us we decided to throw mead at the Valkyries. I was immediately in a dark room with a oily weasel man strapped to a table, I was pretty sure this was Loki but luckily I had my intro to Norse Mythology book and it confirmed my thought. Loki then gave me a presentation on his “2 step plan to not succeed in Valhalla”, the highlights of this were: “get in to Valhalla” and “Kill Balder”. After his 7-hour long presentation, he kept getting interrupted to have snake venom poured in to his eyes, he told me that he had been watching me and was impressed. He said since I finished step one of his 2 step plan, I might as well do step 2. He then handed me some mistletoe to kill Balder with and I must have misread the signs, but we kissed and then I woke up in a cold sweat in the baggage claim area of Valhalla. Balder came and was doing a strobe light demonstration and he began to crowd surf. I saw my chance and I took it, I touched Balder with the mistletoe and he instantly disintegrated. I tried to play it cool but I just hadn’t killed anyone in a few hours so I couldn’t contain my excitement. I went back to my room but as soon as I entered it turned into a dark room filled with the gods. Odin was sitting there with a spotlight on him and he yelled “How Could You! You are hereby Banished from Valhalla and we never want to see you again so you can no longer die”. I was on board with this plan, I was getting bored of killing someone just to see them again at dinner.

By Tyler Sikov

Lucky Bitch Sees Hamilton for the Fourth Time

Unbelievable. That lucky bitch. How dare she. Seeing Hamilton again? How many times has it been now? Four? She already saw it on Broadway. Twice. (Once with the original cast). She saw it in Chicago, and now she’s seeing it in Pittsburgh! And she has the nerve to tell me, “it wasn’t that good. And it got boring after I saw it the third time anyway but whatever.” That spoiled bitch. Unbelievable! Here I am, working so hard to enter the lottery every day, coping with through the crippling anxiety of deciding whether to bid for one or two tickets, and what do I get to see? Nothing. Just the picture of the Playbill on her Instagram story. But really, everyone is seeing Hamilton now. The Pittiful News Social Media Humans went and bought out the whole theatre so no one else could see it, and now my physics TA is seeing it too? Seriously? Am I the only person who hasn’t seen it yet? I’m glad Angelica was good, but I still don’t know what a Coulomb is! Fine, you know what, fine. I guess I’ll just have to watch the bootleg on YouTube again. *hffff*\

By Zach Hartman