What’s in the elephant’s trunk?

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A monk
  2. Some funk
  3. Bed, bunk
  4. Something I drunk
  5. A little spotted skunk!
  6. Alvin the chipmunk
  7. My battleship, you sunk
  8. A spunky hunk’s hunky spunk
  9. An AM radio
  10. A vintage Louis Vuitton trunk
  11. A myth the elephant plans to debunk
  12. Junque

I wore green today.

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By Eric Brinling

I wore green today. Well, technically it was yesterday, but literally right now it is 12:00 am so really it feels like today. 

I wore green. I’ve never worn green before. I always thought it was an inferior color. Typically I dress in shades of grey and blue, for the express purpose of blending into the sky whether the day is clear or cloudy (I am rather tall in comparison to most people). Sometimes I dress in blacks or reds, but only when I feel like blending into the night or a pool filled with blood (or fruit punch). My favorite color is orange, but I rarely wear it, lest I be mistaken for a Buddhist monk. Purple is scary.

But today I wore green. It started when I looked in my drawer, and saw a green shirt. I thought to myself, “Do I own a green shirt?” and I could only assume the answer was “Yes, Eric, you do own a green shirt,” because there was, in fact, a green shirt in my drawer. 

Then I looked in my other drawer, the one with the pants. There were green pants in there. They were like jeans, but green. I called them greans. The presence of the greans was interesting, because I don’t own greans. Or I didn’t, but now I do. 

I hadn’t even touched the green shirt or the greans, but suddenly they were on me. I hadn’t been wearing socks a moment ago, but now I was, and they, too, were green. I grew frightened, and with shaking hands I unzipped the zipper on the greans to find that my boxers, too, were green. 

I thought about changing, but I was too busy not wanting to do that, so I decided instead to just put up with my new wardrobe. I put on my (newly green) shoes and exited the building. I stayed on the sidewalk, for fear that the small patches of grass might think of me as one of their own and swallow me whole before I got the chance to explore other career options as a green-clad man. 

As I walked down the street, people began to stare. I thought perhaps I had something in my teeth, but then I remembered that I was dressed entirely in green, and that might draw some attention. I passed some trees, and thought about becoming a leaf, but I thought better of it. Leaves have a frighteningly short lifespan.

Something green on the ground caught my eye. It was a dollar! It was then that I resolved to become paper currency, which in America is conveniently green. I walked up to the nearest old woman and snuck into her purse. Merely three days later she shoved me into the slot of a vending machine, and in exchange she received a bag of split pea soup.

How did YOU spend your V-Day?

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

So we all had Valentine’s Days. And they were pretty good days. Let’s play a game so you can engage with our good days – match the Valentine’s Day to the Pittiful News writer!

1.     I think my boyfriend fed me old fish.

2.     I had 2 Portuguese chicken sandwiches. With sauce!

3.     I divorced my husband.

4.     Three men made me dinner and I didn’t know any of them.

5.     My boyfriend and I went to a nice restaurant. And he gave me like a nice balloon and flowers and stuff?

6.     I played chess against a computer and I lost and I ate Zach’s pickle with a bunch of salami.

7.     I made gingerbread cookies but they were really shitty and they gave me the toots ☹.

8.     I gave a flower to the most important woman in my life – my mom.

9.     I tipped by Uber driver twice.

10.  My husband divorced me.

 

 

Abby

Blair

Eric

Jeff (Goldblum, honorary member)

Savannah

Sonya

Tyler

Zach

Why I Boycotted the Oscars this Year for the Third Time in a Row

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By Abby Stoudt

It’s Oscar season folks, and once again I boycotted the event. This was my third year in a row refusing to watch the Oscars. In my personal opinion, the Oscars haven’t been worth watching since 2017 when Trolls, the beloved DreamWorks animated film starring Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake, was nominated for best original song and then tragically lost to “La La Land.”

Sure, my opinions on Trolls may be “biased” because I first watched the movie during an “emotionally difficult” time in my life, but I don’t think that this information is relevant. Trolls is a heartwarming, emotional, life-changing movie. No other film franchise had the guts to try and do what Trolls did. What other movie would dare to make the world fall in love with those creepy 80’s toys? What writer would be bold enough to make a character in a children’s movie feel lifelong guilt for causing the death of their grandmother because they were singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler? What other director would choose to use the Gorillaz song “Clint Eastwood” to give background to a whole race of fantasy creatures? The answer is Trolls. They were daring enough to do all of these things and turn it all into a masterpiece, and yet didn’t win an Oscar.

Not to mention, the soundtrack goes off.

Other awards shows that I refuse to watch, after the tragedy of the 2017 awards season, are the American Music Awards, Annie Awards, Billboard Music Awards, Critics’ Choice Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Guild of Music Supervisors Awards, iHeartRadio Music Awards, Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, Satellite Awards, Saturn Awards, St. Louis Gateway Film Critics Association Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and the World Soundtrack Awards. In all, Trolls was nominated for 28 awards and only won 3 that season.

I do not boycott the Grammys, Hollywood Film Awards, or Hollywood Music in Media Awards, however, because all three rightfully awarded Trolls the accolades that it deserves. (It should be noted that for these three awards, Trolls won for “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” the song that lost to “City of Stars” in the 2017 Oscars.)

If the sequel to Trolls, Trolls: World Tour, is nominated for any awards in 2021, I will watch the awards ceremonies for every one of which Trolls is a nominee. I will resume watching any awards show from 2021 on if they give Trolls: World Tour an award, as if 2017 never happened.

Underrated Romantic Movies to Watch Before You Dump Your Significant Other

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By the Writers of The Pittiful News

  1. Gnomeo and Juliet – Just as romantic as the original but with lawn gnomes! And they don’t die at the end! The old people fall in love at the end! I’ve seen it like 4 times and I don’t really remember anything else, but there’s a sequel!
  2. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – He gets married in the movie, after proposing like 3 times.
  3. Coraline – Buttons? Push my buttons 😉
  4. Gattaca – If you don’t believe love exists, then why did Jerome throw himself into the incinerator so that Vincent could go into space? Also it’s produced by Danny Devito, the sexiest man alive.
  5. The Tea is Consent video – Consent is sexy!
  6. The Bee Movie – Every time watch I watch it, something gets faster. And every time we kiss I swear I can fly.
  7. The Cabinet of Dr Caligari – There’s a woman in there, I think?
  8. Sonic the Hedgehog – It comes out on Valentine’s Day. Your date doesn’t need to know that you’ll never love them as much as you love Sonic.
  9. Brother Bear – Just a good underrated movie, no romantic elements.

The Breadth of Life

By Eric Brinling

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You awake with a start. You were dreaming again, the same dream as always: you were meat, and everybody around you was also meat. This time, you made it all the way to college, even if you weren’t doing very well. But now you are awake, and you have to face reality. You aren’t meat at all. You’re bread.

You stretch out your loafy limbs and get bready for another day at the University of Pitaburg. You check your bread phone (which is a phone made of bread), to find that you overslept your alarm. You albready missed your first class (unless you wanted to be at yeast an hour late), and you would have to run to your second one. Serves you right for dreaming about being meat agrain! You don’t have time for breadfast, or for breadshing your teeth (which, it should be noted, are made of bread). You put on a dirty crust and rush out the door, breadpack in hand.

Your class is nearby, in the Cathedral of Loafing, the tallest edoughcational stack of bread in the western breadisphere. You arrive just in time to hear your breadfessor begin a particularly interesting lecture on the Hapsbread dynasty. After many centuries of intermarrying with the various royal families of Europe, you muse, it’s no wonder that they became inbread.

After class, you find yourself hungrain. You suddenly remember that you forgot to eat breadfast, but now it’s too late: it’s already loaf past twelve. You decide to roll right to lunch, so you go to your favorite spot on campus: Panera Bread.

When you arrive, your bread heart (which is a heart made of bread) skips a breadt. It’s her, the wobread you have been admiring from afar for months. You take a deep breadth. You can do this. You’re good looking. You’re funny. You’re bready to ask her out.

“I have a breadfriend,” she says, before you even get the chance to speak.

“Whaaat,” you say, trying to play it off, “you’re banana bread…”

But alas, she was having naan of it. You slink off in shame, and order your bread sandwich (which is a sandwich made of bread) for only a doughler and a few pumpernickels. You think back to your dream. You were meat then, and if you were meat now, this wouldn’t have happened. Meat doesn’t have feelings. Meat is lifeless and cold, until you grill it, at which point it becomes lifeless and hot. But meat cannot be hurt, meat cannot be rejected by more beautiful meat.

In your hubris, you had forgotten: bread is pain.

Pittiful Advice: I’m sad.

Hi sad, I’m dad.

But, in all seriousness, I’ll tell you my tried and true method of unsadifying myself. I smear myself entirely in peanut butter and roll in a pile of acorns. Then I get on a bus and go far, far away. People may stare, but that’s okay. Ignore them. When you get to the end of the bus line, find the nearest tree. Climb the tree. Feel the wind between the acorns. Make squirrel noises, and an army of squirrels will be at your beck and call. Let them carry you away on their furry backs to their squirrely kingdom, where there is no more pain, and no more sadness.

squirrel

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